I am in such a bipolar mood.

I love life right now. Yet I can't wait to move past this time in life ...

I spend money as if I have it to spare, when I really don't ...

I've been uber on top of my school stuff this semester but as of now I'm not even trying ...

i suck at being in a bma group ...

AAH! I think I desperately need Christmas break!

(preface: not to the detriment of any of my friends at Bradley ...)

I absolutely adore my friends here. This break has been so great in that I've finally realized that the friends I made in college really are going to be around for awhile. I might not talk to a lot of them while I'm at school, but it doesn't make a difference. We will still have the dinners, random basement reunions, and soon to be the bar dates. (Oh I can't wait for the bar dates haha) I just wanted to say that I love what I've got going on here. And I am really starting to get excited for post college living around home. I know not everyone will be around, who knows what grad schools, jobs, whatever will spread us out. But I'm so lucky that for the most part my high school AND college friends will be generally in my neck of the woods. And I really can't wait. Maybe I'm getting tired of the college thing. It's all together possible.

"Well, I don't know if you've realized but he's not the most faithful person in the entire world"
*AAAWKWARD* haha

So I always mention how incredibly lucky I feel in this life of mine, so in the spirit of Thanksgiving why don't I expand on that?

My family. I absolutely love my family. The older I get the more and more I appreciate them. I can't wait for post graduation when I will be located close to them all year. I am so incredibly grateful for my childhood and everything that my parents taught me. I'm grateful for my siblings and how close we are. We share such great memories. And although it freaks me out to end that Sheila is getting so old, I love that it makes us that much closer. I am getting used to viewing her not as my little sister anymore but as a great friend. I love my mom, my dad, johnny, and Sheila. Not to mention Susie, Katie, Jerry, and Marlene. I am so happy that I got to spend some quality random time with them this week. I could go on and on mentioning family members. But I'll just leave it at this: I love them and I am so happy for what we share.

My roommates. The relationships are complicated, yes. But I honestly don't know what I would do without each of them. There might be times that we are sick of each other, but if I didn't have them at Bradley I would be missing the defining aspect of my life right now. I know that they would do anything for me and I would do the same for them. The memories we are making now are going to make for amazing remincing years down the road. Oh who am I kidding we ALREADY reminice about freshman year. As much as I get frustrated at times, I absolutely adore the girls I live with and I couldn't imaging living anywhere else with anyone else.

My Friar Circle. No matter what happens in our lives, where we go, who we hang out with, how long it has been ... we can always come together and talk as if we saw each just last week. (And if we're lucky we have) I kick myself sometimes for not being in as constant contact with my friends from home while in Peoria. But I am so incredibly lucky that whenever I need any of them they are only an im, email, facebook message, or call away. It's so great having those friends that you know you can depend on. We already know that we can stay close without being geographically close. That hurdle has already been jumped. It's a huge comfort. And to be honest. My high school friends know me the best out of many people in my life. They saw me grow up. And still love me.

High School. Okay, I had to say it. I have come a long way from my addiction to all things Fenwick and high school. But when it comes right down to it I am so grateful for what Fenwick gave me. The memories, the college preperation, the friends, and of course - the awkward random encounters that will forever follow and delight me. I had a good thing there. And I'm not gonna apolagize for it. :-P

The Madison Street Bars. They were waiting for me, and now I am here. Get ready, bitches! jk just had to throw that in. I'll say that I am grateful for being 21 and finally having certain doors opened to me, full of random head exlosions behind them ;-) I can't wait to celebrate all my friends birthdays with them this upcoming year.

Joe. How grateful I am for him is practicially impossible to express in a trite blog post. I am so grateful for everything he has brought into my life. The love, the passion, the security, the comfort, the serenity, the excitement, the future ... I love him and don't even think that it's possible to love him more. And I am always suprised when I do.

My BU friends. All my KD loves, the SAE boys, and other campus friends. From the dinner dates, to the drunken parties and everything in between. I love what we've got going on. They make life good. I would even clasify some as saviors at times. That's all I got.

I am so happy with life. I may not know exactly where I am going. But I know who I'm going there with and no matter what life throws at me, I know that I'm gonna have great people right alongside of me. And for that I will always be grateful ...

Okay, literally, here is a list.

Went to Madison Street with Johanna to meet Susie and Katie little did I know I would also run into ....


* edited later in fear of listed people googling their name and being creeped out since I really didn't know half of them* But they included Mr Scheoph Ryan (Diana's ex) and represented St. Bernardine's, Fenwick, AND Bradley.


I fucking love Johanna. Susie. and Katie

and i love her back (shh johanna gets it)

And my brother rocks for picking us up!!!

And I love anyone who received a phonecall from me tonight. From my knowledge that includes Caryn and Marty and Joe; wow I love all three of them. I think I called diana too since we saw ryan. yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

i love life. life is just sofucking good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had the best 21st birthday imaginable. I want to try to sum it up but I know I won't be able to do it justice. But I'll give it a shot anyways ...

From start to finish the day was awesome. I got all my shit done early in the week so that I could give myself the present of not doing a damned thing or writing any lists during my birthday and the days following. After chapter Tuesday night I came back to rehab to find my room decorated, complete with a Mr. Bones ready to party. I enjoyed my last illegal drinking hours with beirut in the basement with my girls, Stec, and Joe. (Jamie and i kicked ass by the way) The end of an era ... *sigh* The girls made me a delicious shot to consume at Midnight. Before bedtime Joe gave me his card and told me what his present would be. I went to bed a very happy girl. and there was still more to come! I woke up to a pin waiting for me in the kitchen that said "21 Goodbye bouncer Hello bartender" And yes, the button on the back sang happy birthday! I was instructed to wear it all day. I worked 9-11 and it was a facebook work day lucky for me! Joe treated me to lunch at Panera and then I came home to find birthday mail! Cards from home, from Caryn, and a package from Bridget. (RENT DVD woo!) I quickly studied for my quiz and went to class at 2. It only lasted 20 minutes! I had three classes cancelled the week of my birthday. Honestly, the birthday gods were hardcore on my side. Caryn called me at the perfect time when I had some extra time to talk. Plus, The weather was beautiful outside, I thought that it was spring again! After class, Joe took me to get my new ID, my picture turned out pretty good. Then he took me for my birthday present. He went shopping WITH me, and bought me a Semi-Formal dress. :-) I actually found a dress that I am really excited about. (once again birthday gods on my side) I came home to find flowers delivered from my family. I got ready for dinner and my roommates sat me at the kitchen table for presents. I was so happy. I can tell they really put a lot of thought into everything they did and i loved it all. Gift certificate for a manicure, Yankee Candle, skittles, martini class, amazing shaker, DIET PEPSI, mini garbage can (just in case haha), Victoria secrets cinnamon mints AND of course ... some gifts from VC. They got me the perfect things they knew I'd love but opprobably wouldn't spend the money on myself. I loved it all. Oh and how can I forget the crown they presented to me. I was instructed to wear THAT for the rest of the night as well. I was way too sober at first but it grew one me haha From there we went to dinner at Cheddars. Instead of just being the girls as usual birthday tradition, Joe was invited and I was surprised to find Farva Erica and Laura waiting for me. And even more surprised when Amanda and Kim showed up! My roommates didn't even get to sit with me for my birthday dinner which was so considerate of them to do. I ordered a Lemon Drop drink with dinner and my roommates ordered me a Long Island Ice Tea. THe Tea was orgasmically good. After a great dinner we went back to the house and got ready to go out! We called our buddy Dave #11 from Yellow Cab who gave us his card last time (He drives one of the cool new scions(?) ) We arrived at Crusens and tried to pay him but he refused! It was on him. We must tip him genorously next time! Rizzo, Stec, and Pat were already at the bar. And then the shots began ... Rough Sex with rehab, blow job with kate, vapor with jamie, red headed slut with sara, mind eraser with denise ... and it went on from there. Crusens was SO much fun! It was a great mix of people. Now the ultimate gift the birthday gods gave me ... I had 17 shots. And I did not puke or even feel hungover the next mornning. (Although I did wake up still drunk) I have no idea how I did that. But I am so thankful. Of course drunken antics ensued but I don't have the energy to type all of those out!

But honestlty I had one of the best birthdays of my life this year. It was everything I expected and much much more. I managed to do a whole lot of nothing the next day and now today I have KD initiation and SAE SemiFormal! And my mom visits tomorrow ... its gonna be a good weeekend ...

Thanks to everyone who made my birthday so memorable!

I am only 20 years old for 50 more minutes. Holy Shit.

Several thoughts tonight:

I really hate that feeling when you look at pictures of someone for a moment too long and all of a sudden you feel like you don't even know the person in the photograph because you haven't seen them in so long, or the picture in your head of them doesn't match to pictures you see in front of you? I really hope that I'm not the only one who gets that way, it really scares me sometimes.

I don't like when people break up. It just gives me general not good feelings, doesn't even matter much who it is. But it sucks even more when it's people you know or people you thought would still be together.

Hallmark Holiday Open Houses are draining and I feel a little bit like hanging myself with garland tonight ... thank god I don't work Monday-Saturday next week! (Hurray for birthday week!)

Also, remind me not to run into walls ... my head hurts.

I think that's all I got for now ...

Holy Shit. I turn 21 in less than a week. I don't think that I can express just how much that concept is freaking me out.

Life has been ... good. Whenever I get together with a friend I haven't seen in a while, inevitably they ask me what has been going on in my life. And I still don't know how to respond. I've been working at Bradley and Hallmark, going to class, hanging/going out on the weekends (okay, and some weekdays) ... and that's all I can ever come up with. I am proud of myself for being on top of all my shit this semester, but I just don't feel content. Nothing is wrong. I just am always rushing from one thing to another on my list. Clean the house, do homework, work, study. There's always something else to do. Don't get me wrong, I still go out and I have a damn good time, but I just wish I had time to breath. And I hate that I don't see so many important people as often as I should. Thank God I live with my 4 closest friends, and I am forced to hang out with them. If not I think I would go nuts!

I am very much looking forward to Thanksgiving break! I can't wait to see friends from home in a familiar setting. I need that so incredibly bad.

So back to the issue of my upcoming birthday. I am seriously having difficulty realizing that in 6 days I will be 21. It just can't sink in. I am flipping excited as hell, obviously. But at the same time it's such a huge concept. The big 2-1 was always far in the future, one day .... and now it's here. And I'm that old. And I only have 3 more semester to go. And the 'real world' is out there waiting for me. I'm a combonation of scared, apprehensive, anxious, excited, mature, naive, and immature. And then I realize that everyone else is growing up around me (especially my brother and sister) and then I start to freak out about losing all the good things I've had and still have and have to fight the urge to want to freeze time and stay a kid forever. *whew* That's just the surface of some of the thoughts I've been pondering ...

You won't even want to see me when I turn 22, holy cow.