Woo. I went out Thursday AND Friday night and no drinking tickets for me!!! That said, I think that I'm gonna stay in tonight though. I think I need a night off anyways. Maybe I'll actually get some shit done that I need to. who knows.

Well once again I've done something stupid to piss a friend off. I'm so damn good at that, can I somehow make a living doing it? I guess I have another thing to add to my list of shit not to do when drunk. Sorry.

Oh wow. I was looking at Maggie's pictures from the Odessey Boat trip ... and I miss you guys from back home!!! Like a LOT! I can't wait until thanksgiving!!!! Oh and on that, Branden Ozga rocks! It was so so good hearing your voice again!

Hmm ... what else is there to say about these days ... Last night I dressed up as a Catholic School girl. It was so weird. Cuz I WAS a catholic school girl. And I flashbacked haha. Oh and also I went out this weekend with a certain goal in mind. But then i realized that I didn't really care so much about that goal anymore. Cuz I could have easily accomplished it, I think. But I just realized that it wasnt really what I wanted. I guess I've matured a little bit since coming here. So that's one cool thing that came out of last night. not really enough to make it better but oh well.

I'm really beginning to look forward to coming home. First for the fall show and then for Thanksgiving .... I REALLY REALLY CAN'T WAIT!!!

What's new with me? Why I'm glad you asked!

If I get the schedule that I want for next semester I will be in heaven!!! Monday Wednesdays and Fridays I won't start class until 11, and Tuesday I won't start till 10:30. Please Please Please let me get into all these classes I want!!!

Splashing other people with puddles is fun :)

I am so becoming anorexic. Seriously. If those people on the "biggest loser" show can do it I can!

If you are depressed because of boys do NOT I repeat DO NOT watch Coyote Ugly with your roommate. You will just be sad that you don't have an australian boy who is crazy about you and that you don't have any any rhythm. Grrrrr ...

hehe I am so excited for Halloween this weekend!!! I'm being a Catholic School Girl (quite the stretch of course) Jamie (the besteset roommate in the whole entire world) hemmed my skirt so it almost looks cute (almost) hehe I am excited. I just really really hope we don't get drinking tickets ( I know I know if I'm this worried I just shouldn't go out ....) We'll see ...

And in other news ... It would really suck to be a dog, because then you couldn't makeout with anyone. Yes this is a real thing that johanna said. hehehehe Good memories ...

Ho man!!! I just started rereading blogs ... gotta love memory lane, or hate it depending on the momory lol. Seriously though, looking back at my blogs from the beginning of the summer, I look at myself as sooooo sappy and immature and young. Which is funny, because that was only about 5 months ago. Wait, I guess that 5 months is kind of a long time. Weird. Well anyways since I'm sure you are all curious what is going on in my life I shall tell you.

I'm SICK AGAIN!!! grrr ... how does this happen? I think that me, Jamie, and Katie are going to be communally sick until sometime in June. Oh well .. I'll have to invest in more cough drops. I said goodbye to the fam this morning. They took me out for some real food for breakfast (mmm) I said my goodbyes and went back up to the dorm. Oh speaking of, last night Jamie woke up me up around 3:30 am coming home drunk. I have never seen her drunk while I myself was sober. It was ... entertaining I will tell you that. To save Jamie embarassment that is all I will say haha. But yeah I came back upstairs and un-parented the room. Then, instead of working on my speech that needed to get done for tomorrow I went to bed. Yes, a nap. What a surprise. I slept until about 3:30, which incidentally was also when Jamie got out of bed for the first time lol. Then I got to work on that speech (the history and traditions of St. Patrick's day), went to McDonalds from Marissa on my floor, and then went to a KD set meeting. We have them every sunday and this sunday was a little different. Instead of the usual meeting, we went to the local Bingo HalL!!! Omg it was so crazy, and that game is freaking addicting. I think all the bingo fanatics wanted to kill us. But hey you could win $500!!! I wanna go back!!! haha Yep, so then I came home finished up my speech, studied for my government test tomorrow and hung around the dorm.

This week is going to be super busy because it is Greek week and homecoming week. This weekend should be crazy fun, I hope. Greek weekend, Homecoming weekend, and Halloween weekend AAAAND ... the task force is supposed to be here, woot. I don't want a drinking ticket *cries* And then the weekend after that is my birthday YAAAAAY!!!!

Hey it just occured to me that you guys don't know about many of my friends from Bradley besides Jamie and maybe katie ... I think that I'm going to update sometime later this week and tell you about some of them.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving break when I get to see so many of you! :)

My room offically kicks ass.

We have water, an oceans's worth. We have FOOD! WE HAVE A RUG!!!! I am restocked on everything I possibly needed restocking on. We know why my printer wasn't working and it's being fixed ... My virus protection on my computer is fixed. I have a wireless mouse that works. Did I mention that we have a rug??? *ah* I love it. And soon we get to put our room back in order, aka "deparentify it" hehe.

It actually was really nice seeing my family. I agree with Mark's sentiment, It is the people that make the places. I guess that is why home wasn't so magical to me. Cuz no one was home, or at least not very many people. So yeah ... I love you all. Sorry for my bitterish blog of earlier. I am listening to the DeLovely soundtrack hehe I remember seeing that at the Lake with Caryn, Christina, Georgia, and Maggie! Random memory but it just came to me lol. I have to give a speech in com on Monday and it is soooo not written yet! How do I do this to myself? HONESTLY! Ah well ...

Oh my God my room is sooo awesome!

I'm really tired right now though so I'm gonna chill, talk to you guys later.

Everything is temporary. Nothing Stays the Same. And that makes me sad.

I can't really explain the feeling. It's just ... yeah I don't really know. Everyone is going home this weekend it seems. And everyone seems so HAPPY about it. Which isn't weird. But the weird thing is that I don't think that I was the same way when I went home. Like, I was looking forward to it, but once it came it wasn't really that great. I love being at Bradley and I don't even find that I WANT to go home that often (excluding Thanksgiving Break cuz I am psyched for that) Yeah, once I was home I was BORED. I like being at Bradley. And I feel weird cuz I feel like I am the only person from back home who likes being at school more than being at home.

There is a girls movie night tonight and I'm not gonna be there. I feel sad, I missed the memo that it was come home weekend. Although, my family is coming down tonight for parents weekend. Which is nice, but I feel like I JUST saw them, and I realy don't miss them yet. I hope that they make me feel better and not worse about home. Home isn't even that bad, it's just that I like it better here, I feel like i am understood here. Not that I'm not understood at home ... just in a different way. Oh Geez I don't even know what I am talking about.

Is it bad that I almost just wish that I could erase people out of my life? I mean, not literally, I HAVE seen Eternal Sunshine lol. But I wish that I could keep the memories from high school and just have them end there. Because relationships change in college. Some for the better, some for the not so better, and some not one way or the other just differently. I wouldn't have thought that I would have grown apart from people that I cared so much about in high school. I also never would have thought that I would have stayed so connected with some of you. I guess things just work out and you have to go with it ... I feel for some reason like a rug has been pulled out from underneath me. Like certain friends have just dissapeared, like I did something to alienate them without even knowing it. And now they're just gone. And it makes me sad. That's what makes me wish that I could just have our high school memories and not have the college relationship. Because something just isn't working. *sigh* I dunno ...

I can't wait till I get to chill in Georgia's basement. I just want things to be the same. Even if they're not. Just for one night for things to be the same ... I already know they won't be in one group of friends, but I hope to god they will be at 7 Hampton Court over Thanksgiving.

Sorry, I'm in a weird almost sad almost content, almost left out, almost upset, almost something that I don't even know.

PS I still never figured out who yelled my name when we were downtown visiting Jasmine at DePaul and I just remembered that ... grr!

Pease Out Hombres and Mujeres!

My roommate is scaring me .... she is rocking out to the theme from "JeM" The 80s Cartoon ..... Help?

Some thoughts on random topics:

I wish that I had the will power to be anorexic ... I got fun pictures developed today ... I heart Maggie .... I need to register for spring classes soon ... I haven't done so many things on my to do list, damnit! ... I am really tired writing this ... Why am I not sleeping? I think that it has become impossible for me to sleep normally in college ... My whole family is coming Friday night ACK! ... I'm glad that I am talking to certain people from high school again ... I'm glad that I don't really talk to others any more .... *ah* Thanksgiving is sooooo close, I can almost taste the turkey, girls movie nightness, partying, drama, and all! I can't wait for it all! ... I find out my big sis tomorrow! I really want it to be Amanda but know I am doubting it! grrr I juts wanna know!!! ... Okay I'm too tired to be clever or make any sense ... I shall talk to you all later!

Wow, I feel bad for people who are stuck in high school.

Sometimes you just have to let go of shit. I know it took me a while, but I finally have. Yeah sometimes when I think about what could have been, or remember the ways that I was hurt in high school, especially high school, I still feel that pang. And it sucks. But I've learned to seperate high school from college. It's all behind me, and it can't be changed. Sometimes it's sad thinking about how somethings worked out ... but the point is that how they worked out. And I'm glad that I am finally past that. Okay so this paragraph started out talking about other people and I ended up talking about me lol whoops. But anyway I am gonna go. See ya'll later

This is big sis week for my sorority and I'm getting so excited! We're getting clues and all kinds of fun stuff. I really wanna know who my big is! I really want it to be Amanda, but they are gonna fuck with us till we don't know WHAT to think I have a feeling. But no matter what I'm gonna be psyched. thursday should be awesome (the revealing)

Parents weekend is this weekend. My ENTIRE family is coming up. Mom Dad Sheila Johnny Bridget AND Mark. I am excited but at the same time, what's it gonna be like? I might feel a little invaded upon. A WHOLE weekend. *deep breath* I think I can do it.

Then the next weekend should be a party because not only is it Halloween, but it is also our homecoming. Although word on the street is that the task force will be here this weekend. GRR This is soooo annoying. Because when they bust a party, EVERYONE gets a ticket. Over 21, under 21, drinking, not drinking, it doesn't matter. If there is someone underage there you will get a ticket. And they DO check everyone's. Grrrrrrrrrrr ... what a weekend to pick, *tear* So it should be interesting. Annoying, but no matter what I'm sure it'll be fun.

I am gonna burn some kick ass cds from Jamie!! Woo

My room is so pretty!

So my room really needs to be parent proofed this weekend ... First and foremost obviously the alcohol has to get out of the fridge. My parents are gonna wonder what the hell we keep in there, it's gonna be empty! lol Picture of me and Jamie with the alcohol fridge has got to go. Some of the quotes on our door gotta temporarily come down, a bit to incriminating. Our infamous shitlist will have to take a break. That would lead to some interesting quesitons ... "who are bastard jeremy, creepy ralph, and Asshole Adam?" ... "well mom ..." haha oh god, yeah that's got to go! I should clean my shot glasses so that they don't look used. Hide the writstband I've got displayed from the frat parties. And that free condom I got at sae should probably not be out. haha let's hope I don't forget any of that! hehehe

I would like to reassure you guys that I really haven't changed all that much. Once you guys see me again I think that you'll realize it. Mel saw it when we saw each other over break, and I think that Johanna saw it when she visited this weekend. And I know you all will see it too. I'm still the same. I really haven't changed all that much. Some of my habits maybe, but not really me. Of course thanks for the concern as always.

Johanna, if you read this, I'm not ignoring you or anything. Feel free to call me if you wanna talk. Just not while you're at Wheaton lol.

I feel like I should have a lot more to blog about ... but not really. Hmm Well love to everyone and I'll talk to you all soon.

This is big sis week for my sorority and I'm getting so excited! We're getting clues and all kinds of fun stuff. I really wanna know who my big is! I really want it to be Amanda, but they are gonna fuck with us till we don't know WHAT to think I have a feeling. But no matter what I'm gonna be psyched. thursday should be awesome (the revealing)

Parents weekend is this weekend. My ENTIRE family is coming up. Mom Dad Sheila Johnny Bridget AND Mark. I am excited but at the same time, what's it gonna be like? I might feel a little invaded upon. A WHOLE weekend. *deep breath* I think I can do it.

Then the next weekend should be a party because not only is it Halloween, but it is also our homecoming. Although word on the street is that the task force will be here this weekend. GRR This is soooo annoying. Because when they bust a party, EVERYONE gets a ticket. Over 21, under 21, drinking, not drinking, it doesn't matter. If there is someone underage there you will get a ticket. And they DO check everyone's. Grrrrrrrrrrr ... what a weekend to pick, *tear* So it should be interesting. Annoying, but no matter what I'm sure it'll be fun.

I am gonna burn some kick ass cds from Jamie!! Woo

My room is so pretty!

So my room really needs to be parent proofed this weekend ... First and foremost obviously the alcohol has to get out of the fridge. My parents are gonna wonder what the hell we keep in there, it's gonna be empty! lol Picture of me and Jamie with the alcohol fridge has got to go. Some of the quotes on our door gotta temporarily come down, a bit to incriminating. Our infamous shitlist will have to take a break. That would lead to some interesting quesitons ... "who are bastard jeremy, creepy ralph, and Asshole Adam?" ... "well mom ..." haha oh god, yeah that's got to go! I should clean my shot glasses so that they don't look used. Hide the writstband I've got displayed from the frat parties. And that free condom I got at sae should probably not be out. haha let's hope I don't forget any of that! hehehe

I would like to reassure you guys that I really haven't changed all that much. Once you guys see me again I think that you'll realize it. Mel saw it when we saw each other over break, and I think that Johanna saw it when she visited this weekend. And I know you all will see it too. I'm still the same. I really haven't changed all that much. Some of my habits maybe, but not really me. Of course thanks for the concern as always.

Johanna, if you read this, I'm not ignoring you or anything. Feel free to call me if you wanna talk. Just now while you're at Wheaton lol.

I feel like I should have a lot more to blog about ... but not really. Hmm Well love to everyone and I'll talk to you all soon.

Wow, talk about a new perspective on things ...

It's been an interesting night.

I feel a bit between iraq and a hard place ... lol inside joke from the drag show we went to today ... hehehe oh man it was intesting to say the least ... The theme was "I want to be a republican" ... yeah i don't care what you stand for that show was fucking hilarious!!!

and mark hahaha you'd better believe it hehehehehehehehehhehehehe "yes ... just yes"


So you know how usually you learn from experience? Well I have yet to learn a specific lesson that I should have by now. That is until tonight. Now to admit a fault of my own, sometimes (not always mind you, just sometimes) when I get drunk I'll cozy up to some guy, and often I won't take into account the shadiness of the act. Such as if someone I know has had a fling with him or if I just shouldnt for one reason or another. And I even sometimes disregard when people tell me to back off and stuff. This actually happened Friday night. But once jamie pointed out what I was doing I stopped cold. Which was good move number one of mine. But now tonight .... instead of learning the lesson from all the times that I've done it, I learned it from just watching events unfolding around me. Seeing another person, a person I know well, do the same thing I realize it. And i definitely have learned. I dunno, I feel kinda torn now because I told Jamie that it was cool. But I guess it wasn't. And I dunno ... and at the same time I know that I can NOT really talk at all. I mean, I just can't. But after having it happen to me instead of me doing it to someone else I completely get it. And there's no way I'll ever make that mistake again. Or even think about it. God what a shady night .... But once again I can't judge, I just can't cuz if I was in the position I probably would have done the same thing I guess. I wouldn't have thought about the position I was putting my best friend in either. I would have just done what was in my best interest. And the worst part is I am not even being sarcastic right now. I really probably would have. But after tonight it;s gonna be different. Cuz it has to be. Cuz I've seen it now. Oh shit ... what am I gonna do in the morning ...... *groan* .... fucking drama, why must you torment me???????????????

A few random thoughts to get out there ....

Brian your blog is sooooo not floating anymore lol. You're so one of us now ;)

This blog is staying unpolitical. I love you guys too much to get all ickified with politics. But woo for debating and actually being informed on what we are voting on. Which I hope you are all doing come November 2nd.

Speaking of November, I met someone who has the same birthday as me last nite!!! I've NEVER met someone with my same birthday! CrAZy!

JOHANNA IS COMING IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I heart my roommate

I need to not im slash text people and blog when I am intoxicated ... it always seems like such a good idea at the time ...

I finished my camera!!! I haven't gotten pics developed in such a long time! Walgreens here I come!!!

Kappa Delta date party tonight, I'll have the hottest date there! haha I'm bringing my friend Jeni from orientation. PaRtAy!!!

I heart my hair cut :)

Someday we'll find it ... the rainbow connection ...

I love how Glitter Nick turns bi when he's drunk. That kid cracks me up!

How many licks DOES it take ....?

My nails are growing back!!! ( I bit them all off when I was at home *tear*)

I've decided that I don't believe in love anymore. Just in case ya'll where wondering ...

Well tata for now laterz ....

MUFFY AND KIKI REUNITED SOOOOOOOO CLOSE!!!

Woo for good moods!!!

I've stumbled upon a great mood ... I don't know where it came from, but hey, I won't question it. Maybe it's because I know that I am gonna see JOHANNA in 3 days!!! Maybe it's because I might even see Georgia. Maybe it's because I am back at Bradley. Maybe it's because being away from all my friends here made me realize how much I love them. Maybe it's because I am starting a new foot ... eating better, studying more, staying sober Thursday (for a start), and starting to excersize again next week. Maybe it's because for once I'm not hung up or obsessed about any boys. Maybe it's because I have a new haircut. It could be any of those things. All I know is that I am flying high today!!!

I just read through the blog of pretty much everyone that I know (hey I'm in between classes so what else am I supposed to do??) And I feel like sharing some love ...

Love to Melissa because I visited Fenwick with her on Tuesday and because we are awesome and because some parts of high school kicked ass.

Love to Fenwick because although I complained a boatload while I was there I really did love it.

Love to Brian because you're a loser who measures how popular he is by how high his blog counter goes up ;) Just kidding. Love to you because you and trish are happy together. Go you guys.

Love to Tim who only has a blog because he has to ... but love to him for real because hanging out with Mel made me remember how much I miss hanging out in your basement and talking with you. You are so hilarious and I miss seeing ya!

Love to Jasmine even though I don't think she has a blog any more. But love to her cuz she let me and walters visit this weekend and I heart her thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much! I miss her she needs to visit me soon!

Love to Walters because he is fantastic and because I wish I got to hang out with him more often.

Love to Sarah and Skryd because neither of them have blogs I don't think but love to them because I iss them and their crazy respective antics.

Love to Jen because I saw her on Tuesday and because she is awesome to talk to and because she just plain kicks ass!!! And she filled out one of my surveys on her journal and gave me a shoutout :)

Love to Stan because he's stan. 'nuff said?

Love to Ozga cuz he's always there for me when I need it and I miss his crazy Ozga-ness.

Love to Caryn because after her case of the mondays she might need it and also simply because she is the queen of awesomeness and all things sparkly! I can't wait till we get to see each other again, whether it is this weekend or the fall show!

Love to Maggie because we are drunk whores!!! Just kidding. But I really do missing out with her ... drunk and sober. Thansgiving is gonna kick ass!!!

Love to Meera, hibernation and all ... because even though she is a zillion miles away she still rocks the socks and I miss her Michael Vartan obsessings ... ;)

Love to Trish because she cares about me and I luv her!Also love to he rbecause she loves Avantis too! mmmmm!

Love to Marty Sweeney ... even if he is too cool ...

Love to Dave because missing Tim reminded me of missing Dave. *AH! I'd better see both of yo usoon! *cough fall play cough*

Love to mark because he plays board games ... and because I still get to be random with him even though he's all the way at Creighton. love to him because he'll need it once I recharge Muffy's batteries!!!

Love to Susie because she is the kickassiest cousin ever! And we never see each other even though we live down the block from each other! We need to schedule some time together! I love you!!! Thanks for always being there to let me freak out and obsess with you. I'll always keep you updated on my daily soap opera that is my life :)

Love to Lizzy because she is a workin' girl! In a non sexual way of course! Working at Borders is like my dream class. My question, did she get to shelf the gay literature books? I hope so! Best of luck with real life living and I hope that I get to see you soon! I miss my love duck!

Love to Annie because although she is a queen of drama I love her!!! And I am so lucky to have friends who care about me! And because she loves Moulin Rouge, Josh Hartnett and all other things that make life worth living.

Love to Georgia because ... well because who DOESN'T love georgia? If you show me someone who doesn't love Georgia then I will show you someone who eats babies. No but really I HEART GEORGIA SCHULTE She always manages to put this crazy life into perspective and make everyone she talks to feel uber cool. I hope I get to see her really really soon!

And last but not least my love to MY MUFFY! Because I am going to see her in 3 days! And I haven't seen her since ... well since too long ago. And because we are gonna be muffy and kiki and because we are gonna scare all my bradley friends and because she is the kickassiest chica ever on the whole entire planet!!!



My Love to all!!!

Fenwick YayNess today!!!!

Me and Mel visited Fenwick today. And it was a double yay. Because 1) it was like no time had passed with Melissa and it was just soooo great! There is still me and mel - ness. And I love it. It just reified everything I thought about our Fenwick friends. I can't wait to see more of you!!! (possibly this weekend in a little cornfield gathering? hmm ... ) And also we are so so so so lucky that we have this incredible group of high school friends that is so close! I mean, none of my other friends from college seem as close to their friends from HS. But we still care so much about each and everone of us! I love it. I'm so thankful for all of you guys.

The other reason Fenwick was great was just seeing it all. It's still the same. I felt like I had never left. Let's see ... me and Mel saw Jen Province and Ashley Benson and Jack and sean mcgurk and brian green and lil skryd and lizzy Willoughby and kate doyle and so many others :)!!! And that was just the students. We talked to Egan, Scheoph!!!, Finell ( I miss him!!!), Slaj hammer, FR TOM!, BRO G!, Dr. B, Mr Farran, Mrs Putra, Father Joe, Mr Egan, Mrs shanahan, Speer, and so many others. And there were hugs and catching up and it was just soooooo great. Fr. Tom asked about georgia and trish. I told him you guys were doing good. And right now I've got to run because I'm catching a bus back to Peoria!!! talk to you all soon!

Alright. I'm gonna do a random thought blog again cuz i already typed all of this out but it got lost *tear* ... so yeah ...

Being home is really really really really nice. And the best part is that it still feels like home. No crazy I'm not home feelings.

Although I do keep doing this scary thing where I'm refering to Bradley as home ...

I miss my roommate! I sleep in a room by myself at night ... only about 2 feet off the ground ... and when I can't sleep at night I have to stay up all alone! It's crazy! And I don't like it!

Being home without having everyone else home is kinda weird. I got to see Mary Rehor a lot (which kicks ass cuz I miss her, even doing absolutely nothing with her is always fun). I got to hang out with Walters a lot. PS Walters kicks major ass. I didn't realize how much i missed him till I saw him this weekend. I heart Walters! I also got to see Jasmine and Darnell!!! I also stalked down Marty at his house today. He kept asking why I was there, typical Marty. I am forcing him to keep in touch with me whether he likes it or not lol.

I can't wait till Thanksgiving when nearly everyone will be home at the same time. Girls movie night here we come!!!

JOHANNA IS VISITING IN LESS THAN A WEEK!!!!! WOOOOOO!

I am visiting Fenwick tomorrow, and yeah I'm a dork, but I'm excited!

I know a secret about maaaaaaaaaaaaark hehehehehhe

I talked to Johanna on the phone for an hour and a half today :)!!!!!!!!

The more and more I visit my friends at other schools, I realize that I realy really love Bradley. Like not that i don't have fun visiting my friends. But I definitely found an awesome group of girls and guys at BRadley and I love all of them. I love my dorm room and i love the parties and i love the classes and i even love the food and i love Kappa Delta and I love it all. I can't wait for people to visit and meet all my friends like I've been meeting yours.

I miss my internet conection at Bradley ... its so much faster than at home!

I am getting ditzier every day according to Marty/Chris/Walters. I don't even want to know ...

So now it's crazy Mary thinking times .... Seeing friends this weekend got me to thinking. First of all I can not WAIT to see even more of them at the fall play and at Thanksgiving. But at the same time, it hit me how different we are all gonna be. Like, it's just inevitable. Some will be small changes, some big ... and some will be good and some will be bad ... In the long run it will be fine, I just keep thinking of girls movie nite and it's gonna rock seeing everyone. I think the quote from Garden State says alot. Basically it says that maybe family is just a group of people who miss the same place ... I think no matter how much we all change. It doesn't matter. We will always have our Fenwick memories. At one point in time we were all on the same page and bonded over whatever experiences, people, drama, and randomness we all shared. Maybe if we met today we wouldn't become the friends that we are. but the point is that we met then. And it all happens for a reason. We can grow and change but we will always have something that bonds us together, no matter what pulls us apart. I love you guys ... change all you want but you'd best believe that we are gonna chill come Thanksgiving and I can't wait!!!!

I am me. And that's really all I can be. This is a conclusion ... but I just don't know how to get there. That doesn't make any sense ... But I am who I was. I am who I am. And I am who I will be. I am all three of those things at the same time. And sometimes it is confusing. But I just have to learn to be it. I wanna say thanks to all you guys who have showed concern for me and the decisions that I've been making recently. I really do appreciate it. Even if it doesn't seem like I listen to you guys I really do. I'm dissapointed in myself a lot of the time. I'll hang out and party with some Bradley people and then think oh shit what would my friends back home say ... and then I end up apolaziging a million times and thinking everyone is judging me and yadda yadda yadda. But i'm just now realizing that I really have to quit that! I just can't change to be who I was in high school. But that doesn't mean that I have to be a completely different person, I just have to merge the two. I really can be both people. Because I am both. But I want to seriously thank all of you for caring so much about me. And I really am gonna try
to tone some things in my life down. I'm not going to change because I don't think that I need to. But I am gonna slow it down, and take all your concerns into consideration. I really don't know what the point of all that was ... make of it what you will lol.

My family is driving me insane. I love seeing them. I just don't love so much dealing with them. My mom gets touchy when I bring up money. My brother is mad at my dad. My sister, while she seems to have matured a lot still gets mad at my dad a lot, my dad is just pissy in general (not that i can blame him since certain events), everyone just seems to be on edge sometimes. I like beign on my own at Bradley not having to worry abotu the day to day stress of home. A weekend at a time is good enough for me.

I love driving. Just driving. Listening to US 99.5 Even if I don't have a destination. *ahhh*

I know that there is more going on in this crazy ol' head of mine, but for now that'll all I can type lol. Catch ya on the flip side!

A blog from home ...

God damn it I just wrote a whole entire post and deleted .... i hate myself .... *dies*

HaKuNa MaTaTa

drunk bloggin i love it.

and i heart everyone who put up with me 2nite ... this includes jamie the kick assiest roommie ever ... and walters .. and mike jewell, and jeni and waleters ... i already said him didnt i?

this weekend isgonna rock. IM GOING HOME AND I CANT WAIT!!!!!!!!

I made out with glitter nick 2nite, he's sooo gay lol i luv it.

this weeknd wil rock i get to see my family ...

now wait a sec dont judge me on beign drunk cuz do u want to kno what i found out today?????????

My car back home got broken into 2nite ... plus my dad lost his fucking job ,.... today hasnt been the greatest of days but i LOVE KD and delts and jamie and any one hwho is reading this .... u rock! i love u all nite

i cant wait to be home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time for random thought blog ... cuz I'm bored ... and desperately fighting the urge to nap ...

Wow I have changed a shit load from junior year. And I'm talking in a different sense than what i've been talking about before ... I was downright *pathetic*, like seriously my self esteem was waaaay low. And now it's a completely different ball game, and I'm so thankful for that.

My lap top doesn't have regular solitare but it has spider solitare?

I've rediscovered my addiction to minesweeper ... damn you johanna!

I can not wait to be home this weekend

I am listening to all of my cd collection from start to finish. I just finished This Desert Life, counting crows and now I'm listening to my Banua 2003 mix.

Jamie says I am a gay man in a woman's body because I listen to so much musical music hehehe

I'm going to be sleeping in a room by myself this weekend .... WEIRD!

I am addicted to making away messages ... I have 3 freaking coloumns ... and I love them all !

High School is funny. And when I say high school, I mean life.

I really need to go to church. I said I would go in college and I just plain haven't. I'm going to go this weekend at home and hopefully start on a good track when i come back to bradley.

Jick.org is freaking hilarious.

Jamie and I played the picnic game the other night when we couldn't sleep at 2 am ... and because I know that you were curious here is what we would bring .... ... im going on a picnic and im bringing : adam #2, blaise, chryogenically frozen head of walt disney, doorknob, elephantitis, frodo, glitter nick, hey, ichabod crane, jem, kerry-john kerry, la bambas, machiovelli, nardulli-john nardulli, orgy, princess sophia, queer as folk cast, really hot boys, sexy costumes, totem pole, underwear that belongs to Joel, valium, wet naps, x-rated porn from Cali, yodeling ducks, zero creepy guys ...

My roommate is really expanding my music tastes. I am now a fan of SlipKnot, MachineHead, Tool, and El Nino, among others ... and we still manage to rock out to sappy ballads, old school madonna, and ghetto fabulous mixes. I swear to god we are bi polar!

I am so going to Panera this weekend ... mmmm bread bowls ....

Speaking of ... 9 days till my Muffy is here!!!!! I CAN NOT WAIT IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!!!

Ozga rocks.

I love Jolly Ranchers.

What do I bring back for fall break? I find myself at a loss, and I know I am bringing back way to many clothes, oh well I'm sure i'll need them over these 4 days.

I have no money. *tear* ..... *BAWL*

I think I'm going to visit Fenwick Monday. I am a huge loser. But I love it.

I can't wait to chill with Maggie again!!!

Then again I can't wait to chill with ALL the girls again!!! I miss 7 Hampton Court!!!

"California here we come ..."

Glitter Nick's roommate who I got his sn the day i took nick home cuz he was so drunk he was sick ... anyway i havent talked to him in a few weeks and even then i only talked to him once ..... and last night he imed me his freaking LIFE STORY. Please don't let me have found another phlegm! ....

I hate that when you post someting into blogger it just goes in as one long string.

I hate that we all thrive on drama. But I've accepted that it will never go away. And really I guess that's what bonds us in a really phycho sadistic way. *sigh* oh well ...

MELISSA IS BRING BACK HER BLOG .... *FAINTS*

If you are reading this .... I still heart you :)

And now I think i'm done ... for now .... so here are some lyrics ...

Dont say that you know me
You never knew the first thing at all
Still you should have told me
Took everything, selling it off
These holes in your stories
As many as theres holes in the wall
You told me that you like the old me
Cause the new me is telling you
I Refuse
To fit into this lame idea youve always had for me
I dont want to be what you want me to be
I hear you complaining cause Im not the same
But I wont be missing the place that I came
I know that its risky but all bets are off
This is my life, so whatever the cost, if Im lost
Would you hold it against me
And make me pay for every step of the way
I know that youve already told me
You dont like the new me at all
You told me that you miss the old me
And that I couldnt be happy at all cause
I Refuse
To fit into this lame idea youve always had for me
Im not going to be what you want me to be
I know that youve already told me
You dont like the new me at all
You told me that you used to know me
You really never knew me at all
But darling change is a good thing
I see for myself
Change is a good thing
Spelling it out
Change is a good thing
Can see for myself
Dont say that you know me
You never knew the first thing at all
Still you should have told me
Took everything, selling it off

I heart Trish too :)

I heart so many people tonight. Go you guys. I'd mention everyone but then without a doubt I would forget someone tre important. But you guys all rock and yeah I love you guys. Okay wtf, the people of ultimate coolitude tonight are (in no particular order) Maggie, Caryn, Ozga, Georgia, and Johanna. Somtimes life sucks and is drama full ... but sometimes it kicks ass cuz I have such awesome friends. Woo!

Okay so as much as I don't want to be *that* girl who brings drama into all her blogs and won't say things to people's faces ... I feel the need to stick up for myself here. Well, namely for myself and for Maggie. Basically I would just like to say that I have already dealt with the fact that I have changed at college. This is not a news flash for me. I didn't expect to change this much either, but I did. And my true friends were there for me at the time. Specifically Caryn, Johanna, Maria, and Maggie among others. They were there to talk to me and help me deal with my change. I know they don't completely stand behind all my choices and acts, and I know that they worry about me too. But they are still there for me and don't judge me. They have their opinions but it doesn't stop them from being my friend and caring about me. I heart them soooooo much. Obviously this blog is in response to Annie's blog, there's no use hiding that. You all should alrady know that. That in addition to the "anonomous comment" I got a few posts ago ... I just feel like I'm being preached at and I don't like it. maybe it wasn't towards me, I don't technically know ... all I know is that it is a little late. I already dealt with it and I've already talked about it with those that truly care about me. Another note, I am sick of anonomous comments. Have some balls and stand behinds what you say. It doesn't have any more credibility coming from an unknown person. If you are worried about someone you should talk to them yourself, not preach in a blog or leave an anonomous blog. I know i should be adressing Annie or Nick or Trish or any other people who have expressed dissapointment in me and or Maggie. But why should I talk to them when they won't bring it up to me personally? I know I'm being stupid and blogging out all this drama and making things worse but i just needed to stand the some of our group from Fenwick have been experiencing new things and changing a little. But it's not like it was a HUGE change. We were quasi like that before college. College has just expanded and enlarged it. But personally I still can not wait to chill in the basement of Hampton Court again. I heart girls movie nights and i always will. Yeah being there with everyone will be full of drama and awkwardness, but when are our get togethers FREE of any of that? It wouldn't be the same without drama. Things will be different yes, but I don't care. It will still be us girls in Georgia's basement, and a certain magic will always be there no matter what ... at least for me. I think that all of us have a tendency to gloss over the past. And only remember the good times. And there WERE good times. But there were also really really really really shitty times. Annie acusing me and caryn of talking about her behind her back ... people exluding others from trips ... people cheating on their significant others (I think we know which two circumstances im talking about here) ... friendships falling apart ... I know i made bad decisions and alienated a lot of my friends especially caryn chris and possibly even Johanna. We all made different typed of mistakes this summer ... there were akward sucky HORRIBLE times. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Cuz the good times out weighed all of that crap. But let's not pretend that we were all perfect and awesome over the summer. None of us were. the point of me saying all of this is that WE WILL BE OKAY. Well, after this maybe not. Cuz now you'll probably all hate me, but oh well. My point is that although we're all making decisions and changing at college (and we ALL are, not neccesarily in bad ways but we are) we can still go to Georgia' s basement and have a great time. It's not impossible.

I miss all you guys from high school like crazy everyday but I'm so glad to be away from some of the drama. I can't wait to hang out with you guys again, but I also love my friends here. And contrary to some opinions, they are great people. Yes, they like to have a good time, but it's not like all I do with them is get drunk and gossip and party. These people really care about me to. They dont come close to you guys from home, how could they i barely know them compared to you guys but they ARE great people, and I'm lucky to have found them. yes they drink. yes we drink together. That doesn't lessen our friendships. Annie, I know you have the right to your opnion, and I agree that you do. But if you are really dissapointed in your friends you should talk to us. Not blog about it.

Also, yes I realize there is a tad of hypocracy in some of what I say, because I just wrote this big drama full blog. But i just don't know how else to go about it. I don't consider myself a saint my any means. I am full of bad choices and wrong decisions. I'm just tryinig to get everything on the table because I am sick of people tiptoeing around drama and having everyone pretend it's not there. We all have our opinion on all the drama. And in one respect I really think blogs were a mistake. Because it made the drama that much more backstabbing and preachy. But good always comes with bad I suppose.

But then again ... what do I know ... I'm just a bitchy drunken whore ....

Man ... these next week ( or at least weekends) are going to be so amazing!!!

Wednesday I am going to The Lucky Lady to celebrate a fellow KD's birthday.
Thursday Jamie and I are gonna get all cute and celebrate Thirty Thursday and I'm gonna take pictures so I can have pictures of Bradley peeps.
Friday I am coming home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then fall break fun will ensue. Shopping ... Mary Rehor ... local friars, Sheila, Johnny, my parents, my bed, hair cut, shopping, Partying depaul style on Saturday night, ..... *sigh* I can't wait to be back home. I'm beginning to forget what it feels like ... Bradley has become home to me ... which is really cool but at the same time I don't like it because I feel like I am partially forgetting little things about home. I have two homes now. I can't wait to be at my real one this weekend.

Anywho then NEXT weekend. Jamie's good friend Matt (who I've heard TONS about) is visiting us on Friday!!! So that is sure to be awesome. That Friday is also Blaze (which i don't do much have a date to yet... whoops ...) Then Saturday. Well Saturday is the gloriest day of them all! Because Muffy is coming! Words can't even describe how cool that'll be!

I'm gonna be home on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *squeal of excitement*

PS ~ I was driving with a friend the other day and there is a side street in Peoria called .... are you ready for it? ....

Finnell Street.

Is that weird or what?

I realized just how much I've changed during the KD pledge retreat. We got notes from our fellow KD sisters who had been on the retreat before (hmmm sounds mighty familiar) ... Anyways a lot of the notes said things like "you seem like such a fun girl", "you seem like you have a lot of fun", "you're such a crazy girl", "I'm gonna need to hang out with you and Amanda sometime soon!". They were very different messages than I would have received from people a few months ago. But I don't neccesarily think that it's a bad thing. It was just an interesting view point. I'm someone people want to hang out with ... that's a cool thing. Obviously some things don't change I'm still a big huge dork hehehe.

Things are going pretty well down here in Peoria ... I've decided that I'm never going to have a functioning relationship so therefore why not just have fun? So that's the game plan and so far so good haha. On another note, I have a delt problem. I am a groupie. I can't stop! It's just so addicting to hang out there I love those guys!!! And now that I'm a bit unatatched to Adam for the moment I'm meeting a lot more people that I hadn't gotten to know before.

So social wise I have accepted things and am once again having a good time. I still need a date to Blaze (a date party for Kappa Delta) which is Octobr 15th (any of you guy friends of mine wanna come visit ... free date, free alcohol ... come on, you know you want to ....!) But I'll deal with that in time, I hope / think.

School wise : YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Midterms suck and procrastination is evil. And if that is so then I am the devil of procrastination (hence blogging lol).

I COME HOME FOR FALL BREAK THIS WEEKEND AND I CAN NOT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!

THE WEEKEND AFTER THAT MUFFY AND KIKI ARE GONNA BE REUINITED SWEEEEEEEEEEEEET!

Love you guys!

Yeah, I'm bored so what? ...

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold/underline the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold/underline is false.
4. Add one about yourself at the end.

01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives (black ones)
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I: can suck the chromes off a trailer hitch.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
26. I need money right now!
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast sometimes
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis =P
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past

37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.

38. I like the way that I look sometimes
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
53. I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my online journal
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington ??
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV/Vh1 on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real romantic relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy some country music
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment
100. I was born in the 80s but I am truly a child of the 90s
101. I haven't showered in two days. . . and I like it.
102. I'd rather be in Germany than anywhere else.
103. Im obsessed with getting manicures/pedicures
104. I want to visit Italy either for the first time or again...
105. I'm one of those types who is easily amused; the stupidest of things can make me laugh.
106. I have cried in the last week.
107. I have flirted with someone I didn’t like just to get something out of it.
108. I like at least three Brittish Comedy TV Shows
109. I have dated an ex's good friend
110. I Have overslept and missed my classes
111. I've been on TV
112. I'm in the greek system.

I LOVE MY MUFFY!


AND I GET TO SEE HER IN 15 DAYS!!!!!!

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Wow.

I'm doing my best to get past the whole Adam crap. I'm just mad that I let myself care about someone again. I swear that guys have an asshole radar with me. Like, even if they aren't "usually" assholes, when they see me they think ... wow she's really nice, I don't usually act like this but I think I need to fuck her over." Okay I'm being over dramatic, but I swear that is what it feels like. But the only thing I can do now is forget about it. And that's really all I want to do, but it's easier said than done.

Thanks for all the support in my comments and such with my last angsty blog. I know I might complain too much, I just don't know where else to go because yeah my roommate is awesome and I can totally talk to her, but she has only known me for a little over a month. She doesn't know who I was at home and everything that I've gone through. And at the same time you guys dont know the people here or all the stuff that I've experienced being here. So I guess I feel like i don't have *any*one that I can really talk to who understands.

Now I feel like I am in a dead end guy wise. I truly believe that there is no one out there for me. Like, I know it's pessimistic and whatnot, but I really don't think that there is a guy out there for me that things will ever work out with. Please don't leave me messages telling me otherwise, It's just one of those things i'm going to believe until I find it. Which I don't think I will, but only time can tell I suppose .... But yeah, I feel in a dead end because before adam, all that I *wanted* was adam, the other guys were just .... a distraction? I know I feel horrible to say it but it's the way it was, I didn't realize it till after the fact. But now I had adam, and I know that I cant have him again. So now what? I can't just go back to messing around with other guys. Well I mean I guess I *could* but I don't really want to anymore. I guess the thing is I don't just want guys anymore, I want *a* guy. But then again I don't think I'll ever find one. So it's kind of a conundrum I guess.

I just really really wanna come home. I just need to get off of this campus where I run into the same people over and over again and I'm dealing with the same shit over and over again in my head. Maybe if I come home, when I come back I'll be more who I was at home. Maybe it will rub off on me? I dunno, I guess that's kind of what I'm hoping for.

Okay whoever left that comment anonomysly (I have a hunch who you are anyways) , I appreciate the intervention or whatever that was, but couldn't you just have told me to my face? It wasnt any more convincing as an anonomous comment on my blog. And I know it all. I *know* we liked the old mary better, but i'm still Mary. I didn't morph into someone else. I've just had different experiences in college than I did in high school. I'M STILL MARY! That can't change.

But I really am going to try to be the quote unquote old me ... but I don't know exactly how to do that here. I didn't conciously decide to turn into a *new* mary, so I'm not sure how to switch "back". But I can try ....

Okay I'm exhausted and I have to go eat lunch and then pack for my KD pledge retreat tonight ... it should be fun ... I'll be back tomorrow. Cya