Last night sucked. I had a zillion and one thoughts running through my head and I really wanted to blog them all out. But I just wanted to stop the thoughts and be uncouncious (asleep). It took me awhile but eventually I fell asleep. If I was filling on that survey now My answer to when I had my last good cry would be changed ... And then this morning I woke up and the first thing I did was take my black marker and XXX out Adam's name on the sweet list and put him on the shit list. If you couldn't tell, things did not go well. Now I'm pissed at him, mad at myself, and sure of one thing. I'm never letting myself care ever ever again. I can't. This is just one of many dissapointments and heartaches. And it's all because I let myself care in a situation that I can get hurt in. And without fail I *always* get hurt. I don't know why I delude myself into thinking that one of these times I won't be. God, I hate him so much right now ... but also I'm really dissapointed in myself .... ugh. And for some stupid stupid reason I possibly expected more out of him than every other guy. But that would be just silly. he is every other guy.
I wanna share a list that Jamie typed up on her blurty (blog thing) last night when she couldn't sleep. It's a pretty good representation of some of my thoughts ...
"Man do you learn a lot in college. No, I'm not talking about intellectually. People. You find out how people can really suck or be kick ass. I thought I'd share some of my wisdom about what I have learned so far since attending BU, in all respects.
1. People are never who they appear to be
2. You WILL lose contact with the people you expected to stay in touch with
3. You'll get screwed over every chance someone gets
4. People will do anything for alcohol or ass ... lol
5. Homework killls.
6. Everyone lets go
7. When you let go, you lose a part of yourself, along with people you care about
8. College kids will do anything to avoid homework
9. Eating is essential, but expensive
10. You make friends with people you thought you'd never get along with
11. You will eventually run into people you hate... EVERYWHERE!
12. Fire drills dont get you out of class anymore, they get your ass outta bed at 5am
13. You miss out on half the world when your a freshman and without a car... i miss concerts at the rave oh so much!
14. You will become someones therapist
15. Your fridge is no longer stocked with food or pop, just $50 worth of hard liquor
16. You breathe AIM
17. You lose sleep and create 4 hr nap tuesday
18. The weekends start on thursdays.... mmm thirsty thursdays....
19. Your roomate either sucks or rocks ( i heart mary)
20. You know youre bored when you create a room quote board of stupid things you say to your roomate (i.e. "mary~ how do you answer your computer??")
21. You find out who your real friend are, were, and will be... kate you are my best friend...
22. Now i regret i didnt make reason 21 about alcohol. wait, here, #22, alcohol runs your life.
23. Your cell phone becomes your alarm clock
24. People make asses of themselves at parties
25. No one listens to campus radio
26. You will lose your room key and get locked out eventually
27. Creepy people are more abundant on a small campus
28. Townies are crazy
29. I don't know why I'm up at 4 in the morning making this stupid list... mary is gunna kill me if i wake her up...
30. College is a hell of a lot of fun, until you realize that youre slacking on work and are gunna flunk your ass out
Well thats my list. Im sure when i re-read it in the morning it will just sound like mad ranting... im sure thats exactly what it is. Oh well, I already watched 16 candles and couldnt sleep. My love to mary, bc i know shes having a hard time and needs all the lovin she can get... so send your love to her as wellJeM"
So yeah ... I really hope that I do feel better soon, I always recover from these things eventually, and hey, I really should be an expert by now. After a quasi nights sleep and a long nap today I am feeling a little bit better. I just can't think about the conversation we had or my stomache falls again. I hate that feeling. god I hope I never see him again ever .... at that's what I want right now.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Monday, September 27, 2004
You know what I love? Even though we are all hundreds of miles away ... i still feel like there is this bubble where we are exactly who we are with each other that we were at the end of the summer. And that's a cool thing. We're all changing and experiencing new things but when i come online or make a phone call, it's the same. It's this bubble where I can be exactly who I am and not have to analyze it. I dunno ... I just like having the blogs and talks with friends from back home that let me know that some things will never change ... thanks guys :)
So I just deleted a post but the jist was WHOA what a weird day. Jamie and I ran into literally nearly every person that could increase the awkwardness of our afternoon. It was bizzare, so if the world comes to an end in the next few days remember that we called it haha.
I heart Ozga.
Happy Birthday Stan! (Yes, I'm aware he won't read this, but I emailed him so it's all good haha)
I have decided that the overwhelming emotion in this situation is being PISSED OFF! For many reasons. But yeah. Fuck it, I never should have gotten started in this whole mess ... I should know better by now ...
I heart Ozga.
Happy Birthday Stan! (Yes, I'm aware he won't read this, but I emailed him so it's all good haha)
I have decided that the overwhelming emotion in this situation is being PISSED OFF! For many reasons. But yeah. Fuck it, I never should have gotten started in this whole mess ... I should know better by now ...
I hate having these damn feelings. I hate caring. That is when you can get hurt and I don't *want* to be hurt, who does? I've been hurt before, in fact that has probably left me a tad bitter slash scarred. I mean, getting your heart broken so many times by the same guy can leave you a little bit unsure about the whole male population. At least when it comes to relationships. So as some messed up defense mechanism I always end up having these relationships that don't mean as much to me as they do to the guy and what do I end up doing? Hurting the poor innocent guy who has been nothing but sweet to me. I just can't get close to people guy wise cuz it means i can get hurt ... I hate it. I haven't been in a relationship person with someone who I honest to god have been attracted to. The guys I like always aren't interested or completely fuck me over. I hate being the guy in relationships, but i also hate being hurt in them ... i guess i just hate relationships in general for myself. Damn it.
If you could tell the whole Adam thing is still up in the air. I fucking hate this! Sorry, I'm being a drama queen ....
I just want to know ....
If you could tell the whole Adam thing is still up in the air. I fucking hate this! Sorry, I'm being a drama queen ....
I just want to know ....
Sunday, September 26, 2004
wow. Really random strong feeling of nostalgia for Fenwick ....
I was just looking at the website (Yes i'm a huge dork, I'm aware) and I looked at all the news ... and i saw the part where they talked about all the new teachers (11 of them!) and i knew that there were tons of new teachers but it just hit me that so much is different about fenwick this year. And I feel so removed. Like I don't know what it's like there anymore. Like if i went back i'd be out of the loop. And of course i would be i've been gone for months lol. It's just a weird feeling knowing that everyone at Fenwick is going on without us ... I dunno ... like i said really random feeling ...
I was just looking at the website (Yes i'm a huge dork, I'm aware) and I looked at all the news ... and i saw the part where they talked about all the new teachers (11 of them!) and i knew that there were tons of new teachers but it just hit me that so much is different about fenwick this year. And I feel so removed. Like I don't know what it's like there anymore. Like if i went back i'd be out of the loop. And of course i would be i've been gone for months lol. It's just a weird feeling knowing that everyone at Fenwick is going on without us ... I dunno ... like i said really random feeling ...
So today is Sunday. Last night was fun, I called it an early night though (I came home around midnight) I just didn't think I should push it since I had felt so sick the night before) Anyways the SAE party was a lot of fun, I *danced* It was great haha I even got up on the platform and danced with Glitter Nick to Toxic! haha It was such a blast. I think this kid T-ho is into me though. And that's really not going to work ... hmm maybe I am just blowing things out of proportion, I hope so! Anywho as it is Sunday the most *IMPORTANT* thing that I must blog about today *is* ....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE FOREVER WONDERFUL CARYN!!!!!! I hope that you have a fantastic day full of sprinkles and unicorns and sparkles!!!!
Yep so anyways .... in other news, Adam gets back to campus today. I'm so afraid that he is going to pull a bastard move. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who would but on the other hand he's really unpredictable. I am in a position where I can get hurt and I hate being in that position again. Well, we shall see I guess.
Also a random observation about an old friend from "back in the day". This really won't make sense to anyone and please don't try to guess who this person is, I don't think that most of you know this person anyway. it's just one of those things that I shouldn't blog about but am anyways cuz it's gonna be on my mind until I do. This person really confuses me. She or He just really either *is* a completely different person that when I knew them ... or she or he is trying *really* hard to be something they aren't. I have no idea which it is, and i supposed I really don't need to care. But it's an interesting phenomenom to see.
In other other news ... The closer and closer fall break gets the more and more excited that I am. I can't wait to go home and see my family and sleep in my bed and just eat in my kitchen and see good ol' FoPo (who knew i'd miss it?) Not to mention seeing Mary and Chris and walters and marty and diana and lizzy and everyone. And SHOPPINGwith my mommy! Oh man I can't wait!
Okay well I think that is all for now. Till later ...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE FOREVER WONDERFUL CARYN!!!!!! I hope that you have a fantastic day full of sprinkles and unicorns and sparkles!!!!
Yep so anyways .... in other news, Adam gets back to campus today. I'm so afraid that he is going to pull a bastard move. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who would but on the other hand he's really unpredictable. I am in a position where I can get hurt and I hate being in that position again. Well, we shall see I guess.
Also a random observation about an old friend from "back in the day". This really won't make sense to anyone and please don't try to guess who this person is, I don't think that most of you know this person anyway. it's just one of those things that I shouldn't blog about but am anyways cuz it's gonna be on my mind until I do. This person really confuses me. She or He just really either *is* a completely different person that when I knew them ... or she or he is trying *really* hard to be something they aren't. I have no idea which it is, and i supposed I really don't need to care. But it's an interesting phenomenom to see.
In other other news ... The closer and closer fall break gets the more and more excited that I am. I can't wait to go home and see my family and sleep in my bed and just eat in my kitchen and see good ol' FoPo (who knew i'd miss it?) Not to mention seeing Mary and Chris and walters and marty and diana and lizzy and everyone. And SHOPPINGwith my mommy! Oh man I can't wait!
Okay well I think that is all for now. Till later ...
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Okay I definitely need to blog. First thing's first. Thursday night was the best fucking night that I have had at Bradley so far. It seemed like it was going to be a little bit of a dissapointment at first though. There was an exchange between KD and a frat SigEp. That was lame to an extreme. I dunno, maybe I just didnt give it a chance or maybe it was cuz it was only the new pledges from KD and sigep. Well anyways I left that after about 30 minutes or so. I decided to go out and party with Jamie and Glitter Nick instead. We did some predrinking in the dorm and then headed to SAE with Jamie (SAE = the frat that jamie always hang out with) It was an alright time. There were two highlights at SAE, one was that I got to kiss Glitter Nick (fyi Glitter Nick is gay lol) and two I fucking TOLD OFF CREEPY RALPH!!! Hell yeah! I felt so empowered. I called him over to the group I was standing with and was like "hey ralph" and he walked over all smooth thinking that he was gonna work his swirve with me or something lol (ps swirve is an inside joke with adam and jamie, it didnt just make it up i swear lol) Anyways he came over and I TOTALLY bitched him out. It felt so good and then I just walked away. omg it was priceless. Anyway after those two highlights the party was kinda going downhill for me. I was getting pretty drunk, and Jamie knew everyone and I just kinda felt like an outsider or like I was annoying the people who I was talking to or something. So I decided to walk home (jamie was kinda mad that i just left and walked home by myself but i didnt want to make her leave and i just needed to get out of there) Anyway I went back to the dorm and went online. And Adam imed me (aka butterfly boy) He said to come over. And i was like I can't im drunk and i am alone. so he said chad (a friend of ours, another delt) (delts = the frat I always hang out with) would come and pick me up. So i went to the patio and sure enough chad came and picked me up. He walked me to the delts and a few people were watching a movie in Adams room. So i sat in one of the desk chairs and tryed to watch the movie ( i was rather intoxicated at this point, so that didnt go over very well) Oh and a sidenote, we watched "the recruit" which reminded me of when I first saw it at Elsey's house with Chris and Johanna. That was an awesome night. I miss our random nights of stalking friars lol. Anyways back to the story. So Adam kept asking if I was okay, and I really wasnt i was just sitting there thinking "why did i come here, when i could be sleeping this off in my comfy bed at my dorm" Oh also random tangent, I have decided that my bed is my favorite place at Bradley hands down. Also Jamie and I definitely must nap more than any college student ever. Okay sorry I am definitely taking 12 years to tell this story. So eventually I ended up sitting on the couch with Adam. And long story short, once the movie was over it was just me and adam and we hung out until 5am! It was the best ever. I don't know why he took so long to make his move, but it was worth it. So that is the story (with about 500 tangents) of the best night at Bradley so far.
However, the next day was not quite as good. I felt mega sore, and I couldn't figure out why, but then I realized that I had worked out all week and that was probably why I was sore, duh. And the later it got the sicker I felt. I pretty much napped the entire day, and I attempted to go out but I just felt so sick that I came home and went to bed really early. Which I definitely needed. And now I am feeling much better. But my room is a mess and I need to clean it blah.
Chris is cool. He made my afternoon yesterday. yaY.
I don't know what is up with the Adam situation though. I wouldn't mind if that happened again, but I have no clue what he is thinking. I don't really care, but I just want to know where we stand. I also don't wanna lose him as a friend. But Thursday night was by far worth it. He's out of town at home for the weekend so I'm just kinda waiting around in limbo. And even when he gets back I probably won't say anything. So we'll see on that one ...
Also, I feel like the only reason that I was fooling around with so many random guys before, was because I couldn't have Adam. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But now that I had Adam, I don't feel the need to randomly hook up with anyone anymore. I hope he knows that that meant more to me than all the others. Sorry you guys totally don't care about my drunken slut worries ... But i just needed to blog this stuff out. Thank god it's only fenwick ppl who see this blog .... I hope! lol
However, the next day was not quite as good. I felt mega sore, and I couldn't figure out why, but then I realized that I had worked out all week and that was probably why I was sore, duh. And the later it got the sicker I felt. I pretty much napped the entire day, and I attempted to go out but I just felt so sick that I came home and went to bed really early. Which I definitely needed. And now I am feeling much better. But my room is a mess and I need to clean it blah.
Chris is cool. He made my afternoon yesterday. yaY.
I don't know what is up with the Adam situation though. I wouldn't mind if that happened again, but I have no clue what he is thinking. I don't really care, but I just want to know where we stand. I also don't wanna lose him as a friend. But Thursday night was by far worth it. He's out of town at home for the weekend so I'm just kinda waiting around in limbo. And even when he gets back I probably won't say anything. So we'll see on that one ...
Also, I feel like the only reason that I was fooling around with so many random guys before, was because I couldn't have Adam. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But now that I had Adam, I don't feel the need to randomly hook up with anyone anymore. I hope he knows that that meant more to me than all the others. Sorry you guys totally don't care about my drunken slut worries ... But i just needed to blog this stuff out. Thank god it's only fenwick ppl who see this blog .... I hope! lol
First best friend: Kristi!
First car: a white '92 toyota
First crush: eww, Chris Mullin
First break-up: Blake
First Self purchased album: Alanis Morrisette (yeah I thought that I was bad-ass haha)
First pet: Norton. The best dog ever. (mostly bcuz he bit my brother hehehe jk)
First piercing/tattoo: Ears in 2nd grade
First credit card: I just got a visa debit card this summer does that count?
First true love: I don't think that I've had one yet ... Actually I know that I haven't
First enemy: Probably Chris Mullin ... oh grade school memories!
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Knowing my dad it was probaby The Grateful Dead
Last cigarette: Never had one, don't plan on it
Last car ride: Hmm ... Susie took me for ice cream on Wedneday (ps I remember when I used to ride in a car daily, now it's barely monthly!)
Last good cry: Hmm ... so I really had to think about this one ... I can only remember one night and it must have been shortly after spring break ... I was upset about being ditched by two of my friends ... looking back that was really stupid. I don't think I've really really cried since then ... unless you count the self pity olympics with Johanna over the summer .... hmm yeah.
Last book i bought: Not sure, I was in a book buying frenzy this summer. I want to say it was "The Five People You Meet In Heaven"
Last movie seen: Garden State! *good* movie and I saw it with a kick ass friend ;)
Last beverage drank: A Sierra Mist last night when I was trying to feel better and not sick.
Last food consumed: Umm Avanti's Pizza Bread yesterday afternoon ... hey, i should eat something soon ...
Last crush: Adam
Last phone call: According to my cell phone the last received call was from Muffy and the last dialed was Jamie
Last time showered: Yesterday Morning ... well more like afternoon ... whenever i woke up from my after class nap.
Last CD played: Clay Aiken ... please don't judge me lol
Last annoyance: Adam ... yeah just in general lol ... but I'm not annoyed anymore :)
Last disappointment: in myself this year ...
Last word you said: I don't know. Probably saying I was leaving to Jamie last night
F.U.T.U.R.E.
Your career going to be? Broadcast Journalist ... at least for now
Where are you Going to live? on the moon ... no not really ... i dunno ...
Do you want any kids? definitely
C U R R E N T S.
Current mood: aching
Current taste: ew, food, i don't really wanna think about food ...
Current clothes: jeans, my bradley football shirt (still undefeated!!!) and a hoodie
Current longing: to not be in limbo and to just know the deal ...
Current book you're reading: reading? Outside of the metric ton of reading I have for clasS/? I did start to reread the five ppl u meet in heaven book the other night
W H A T S.
What's in your CD player? Clay Aiken ... once again shut up lol
What color socks are you wearing? socks? what are those? flip flops all the way! haha
What's under your bed? considering my bed is 6 feet off the ground, a lot
What time did you wake up today? 10 (but i went to bed at like 11:30 cuz i was feeling sick :( )
First car: a white '92 toyota
First crush: eww, Chris Mullin
First break-up: Blake
First Self purchased album: Alanis Morrisette (yeah I thought that I was bad-ass haha)
First pet: Norton. The best dog ever. (mostly bcuz he bit my brother hehehe jk)
First piercing/tattoo: Ears in 2nd grade
First credit card: I just got a visa debit card this summer does that count?
First true love: I don't think that I've had one yet ... Actually I know that I haven't
First enemy: Probably Chris Mullin ... oh grade school memories!
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Knowing my dad it was probaby The Grateful Dead
Last cigarette: Never had one, don't plan on it
Last car ride: Hmm ... Susie took me for ice cream on Wedneday (ps I remember when I used to ride in a car daily, now it's barely monthly!)
Last good cry: Hmm ... so I really had to think about this one ... I can only remember one night and it must have been shortly after spring break ... I was upset about being ditched by two of my friends ... looking back that was really stupid. I don't think I've really really cried since then ... unless you count the self pity olympics with Johanna over the summer .... hmm yeah.
Last book i bought: Not sure, I was in a book buying frenzy this summer. I want to say it was "The Five People You Meet In Heaven"
Last movie seen: Garden State! *good* movie and I saw it with a kick ass friend ;)
Last beverage drank: A Sierra Mist last night when I was trying to feel better and not sick.
Last food consumed: Umm Avanti's Pizza Bread yesterday afternoon ... hey, i should eat something soon ...
Last crush: Adam
Last phone call: According to my cell phone the last received call was from Muffy and the last dialed was Jamie
Last time showered: Yesterday Morning ... well more like afternoon ... whenever i woke up from my after class nap.
Last CD played: Clay Aiken ... please don't judge me lol
Last annoyance: Adam ... yeah just in general lol ... but I'm not annoyed anymore :)
Last disappointment: in myself this year ...
Last word you said: I don't know. Probably saying I was leaving to Jamie last night
F.U.T.U.R.E.
Your career going to be? Broadcast Journalist ... at least for now
Where are you Going to live? on the moon ... no not really ... i dunno ...
Do you want any kids? definitely
C U R R E N T S.
Current mood: aching
Current taste: ew, food, i don't really wanna think about food ...
Current clothes: jeans, my bradley football shirt (still undefeated!!!) and a hoodie
Current longing: to not be in limbo and to just know the deal ...
Current book you're reading: reading? Outside of the metric ton of reading I have for clasS/? I did start to reread the five ppl u meet in heaven book the other night
W H A T S.
What's in your CD player? Clay Aiken ... once again shut up lol
What color socks are you wearing? socks? what are those? flip flops all the way! haha
What's under your bed? considering my bed is 6 feet off the ground, a lot
What time did you wake up today? 10 (but i went to bed at like 11:30 cuz i was feeling sick :( )
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
It ain't so much a question of not knowing what to do.
I knowed what's right and wrong since I been ten.
I heard a lot of stories and I reckon they are true
About how girls're put upon by men.
I know I mustn't fall into the pit,
But when I'm with a feller, I forget!
I'm just a girl who cain't say no,
I'm in a turrible fix
I always say "come on, le's go"
Jist when I oughta say nix!
When a person tries to kiss a girl,
I know she oughta give his face a smack.
But as soon as someone kisses me,
I somehow, sorta, wanta kiss him back!
I'm just a fool when lights are low
I cain't be prissy and quaint
I ain't the type that can faint
How can I be what I ain't?
I cain't say no!
Whut you goin' to do when a feller gits flirty, and starts to talk purty?
Whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at yer lips're like cherries, er roses, er berries?
Whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at you're sweeter 'n cream, And he's gotta have cream er die?
Whut you goin' to do when he talks that way, Spit in his eye?
I'm just a girl who cain't say no,
Cain't seem to say it at all
I hate to dissapoint a beau
When he is payin' a call!
For a while I act refined and cool,
A sittin on the velveteen seteen
Then I think of that ol' golden rule,
And do fer him what he would do fer me!
I cain't resist a Romeo
In a sombrero and chaps
Soon as I sit on their laps
Somethin' inside of me snaps
I cain't say no!
I knowed what's right and wrong since I been ten.
I heard a lot of stories and I reckon they are true
About how girls're put upon by men.
I know I mustn't fall into the pit,
But when I'm with a feller, I forget!
I'm just a girl who cain't say no,
I'm in a turrible fix
I always say "come on, le's go"
Jist when I oughta say nix!
When a person tries to kiss a girl,
I know she oughta give his face a smack.
But as soon as someone kisses me,
I somehow, sorta, wanta kiss him back!
I'm just a fool when lights are low
I cain't be prissy and quaint
I ain't the type that can faint
How can I be what I ain't?
I cain't say no!
Whut you goin' to do when a feller gits flirty, and starts to talk purty?
Whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at yer lips're like cherries, er roses, er berries?
Whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at you're sweeter 'n cream, And he's gotta have cream er die?
Whut you goin' to do when he talks that way, Spit in his eye?
I'm just a girl who cain't say no,
Cain't seem to say it at all
I hate to dissapoint a beau
When he is payin' a call!
For a while I act refined and cool,
A sittin on the velveteen seteen
Then I think of that ol' golden rule,
And do fer him what he would do fer me!
I cain't resist a Romeo
In a sombrero and chaps
Soon as I sit on their laps
Somethin' inside of me snaps
I cain't say no!
Well I haven't actually blogged about anything concrete in a while ...
Random internal conflict musings ... I *hate* like boys. Flirting, fooling around, having fun ... that's all alright, but the moment I start having that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomache it is NO GOOD! Because it is at that moment that I can get hurt. I hate that feeling. You guys know the feeling I mean, the rush when you are with a person, and the jump you get whenever they im you, when you can't stop mentioning them, and when you are watching a movie together and you aren't thinking about the movie at all but how you can get him to cuddle with you ... I haven't felt this way since high school with a less than succesful venture, and I hate feeling this way again. It means that I can get hurt. I'm bracing myself for him to fall for some other girl, or worse to fall for a friend of mine or something ... I want to stop caring, and I had told myself that I had, but it's just not that easy. And I wish it was. I want to turn the butterflys OFF! I just can't let things freaking GO! Well ... oh well.
So last night I started a livejournal so that i could write in an online journal that Bradley people could read too ... I wrote an entry and did the whole shoutout thing which people have been doing here on campus. But it felt so weird. And I realized that I don't want it after all. I wish I could share this blog with both my sets of friends, but I have that tendency to overanalyze crap waaaay too much. You all already know that I am a complete spaz who overanalyzes things and writes about everything on this thing. But people here might get a little scared and think that I am a freak. I'll let them find that stuff out for themselves haha. So yeah no more livejournal.
Starting today I am trying to get back on track. Just in general. Less eating in the Student Center (which eats up my meal plan WAY quicker than dorm halls), eating less snacks, keeping going with the working out, drinking more water and less pop, and cracking down on studying when I need to. So far so good.
The KDs have an exchange with the SigEps on Thursday. I'm looking forward to it. I need to meet more guys besides Delts lol. It might be a toga party! We are still waiting on the theme ... how weird would that be ... oh man. I'll let you know how that goes lol.
The more and more I think about it, the more and more I am looking forward to coming home for fall break. I think I'm gonna go to the Concert For Cows. I'll be home, so why not? And I get to see all my friend in the chicagoland area which I am PSYCHED about. And seeing my family will be so great. I'm not homesick really. But at the same time there's a part of me that is missing without being able to be *home*. I don't even know if that made sense, but it's the best way that I can explain it.
Well I think that's quite the update for now ...
PS I am listening to the Princess Diaries II soundtrack right now SPARKLE!!!!
Random internal conflict musings ... I *hate* like boys. Flirting, fooling around, having fun ... that's all alright, but the moment I start having that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomache it is NO GOOD! Because it is at that moment that I can get hurt. I hate that feeling. You guys know the feeling I mean, the rush when you are with a person, and the jump you get whenever they im you, when you can't stop mentioning them, and when you are watching a movie together and you aren't thinking about the movie at all but how you can get him to cuddle with you ... I haven't felt this way since high school with a less than succesful venture, and I hate feeling this way again. It means that I can get hurt. I'm bracing myself for him to fall for some other girl, or worse to fall for a friend of mine or something ... I want to stop caring, and I had told myself that I had, but it's just not that easy. And I wish it was. I want to turn the butterflys OFF! I just can't let things freaking GO! Well ... oh well.
So last night I started a livejournal so that i could write in an online journal that Bradley people could read too ... I wrote an entry and did the whole shoutout thing which people have been doing here on campus. But it felt so weird. And I realized that I don't want it after all. I wish I could share this blog with both my sets of friends, but I have that tendency to overanalyze crap waaaay too much. You all already know that I am a complete spaz who overanalyzes things and writes about everything on this thing. But people here might get a little scared and think that I am a freak. I'll let them find that stuff out for themselves haha. So yeah no more livejournal.
Starting today I am trying to get back on track. Just in general. Less eating in the Student Center (which eats up my meal plan WAY quicker than dorm halls), eating less snacks, keeping going with the working out, drinking more water and less pop, and cracking down on studying when I need to. So far so good.
The KDs have an exchange with the SigEps on Thursday. I'm looking forward to it. I need to meet more guys besides Delts lol. It might be a toga party! We are still waiting on the theme ... how weird would that be ... oh man. I'll let you know how that goes lol.
The more and more I think about it, the more and more I am looking forward to coming home for fall break. I think I'm gonna go to the Concert For Cows. I'll be home, so why not? And I get to see all my friend in the chicagoland area which I am PSYCHED about. And seeing my family will be so great. I'm not homesick really. But at the same time there's a part of me that is missing without being able to be *home*. I don't even know if that made sense, but it's the best way that I can explain it.
Well I think that's quite the update for now ...
PS I am listening to the Princess Diaries II soundtrack right now SPARKLE!!!!
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Okay, so not ALL boys suck. A bunch of them just happened to be stupid last night. But me and Jamie went on a late-night walk and got out *some* of our aggressions. The only boy on our good list last night was Glitter Nick, and he's gay! All straight boys were evil. But I think I'm over it today. Mostly. Kinda. yeah ...
Monday, September 20, 2004
AH! I have a random urge to blog. I don't even have anything to say which is the funny thing. But let's just see where this random blog goes ...
Jamie and I went and worked out today!!! We went from feeling really embarrased walking to hausler looking so crummy ... then a high working out go us being productive yeah! ... to thinking we were the shit walking back ... to looking in the mirror on our floor and realizing that we were both the color of a tomato! And then feeling horrified that we walked back like that. But the overriding feeling was productive and awesome! We are gonna stick with this! No longer will we be fat, lazy, alcoholic, sluts ... We will be fat lazy alcoholic sluts WHO WORK OUT. yeah us.
I am really looking forward to Fall Break. I am happy here and not too homesick. But I just know that when I get home it's going to feel great. To be in my room with my family and with my HOME. It'll be nice. But till then I am just enjoying 'Bradley-ness'. And I really *am* enjoying it. Me and my roommate get along great, I love my floormates they crack me up, I love my dorm room and I love how similar me and Jamie are even though we are so different, and I love hanging out with the Delts, and I love having projects, and I love being in KD, and I love dorm life and procrastination, and I love having glitter nick, and I love having fun plans for the weekend, and I love having a secret about next Thursday, and I love feeling accomplished after working out here, and I love calling Adam and Chad idiots, and I love a lot of random things about Bradley.
And i love that I finally figured something out. I figured out that no matter what, with perhaps a few exeptions ... this Christmas Break and then the summer are going to be awesome. Because I am gonna get to hang out with all of you guys again. And we'll get to hang out and have random adventures, and tell random stories about our college days, and hang out in people's basements again and have GIRLZ MOVIE NIGHTS!!! And it will be kick ass. I know that it is far away, but it's nice that i know that it is coming.
Some things make me a little sick, but I just choose to ignore them. It's really the only thing TO do.
Hmmmm what else can I randomize about. Oh yeah, Little Black Backpack is a kick ass song! And once again let me reiterate that you should all visit me cuz i love you. And yeah, that's about it for now. Love to you all!!!
Jamie and I went and worked out today!!! We went from feeling really embarrased walking to hausler looking so crummy ... then a high working out go us being productive yeah! ... to thinking we were the shit walking back ... to looking in the mirror on our floor and realizing that we were both the color of a tomato! And then feeling horrified that we walked back like that. But the overriding feeling was productive and awesome! We are gonna stick with this! No longer will we be fat, lazy, alcoholic, sluts ... We will be fat lazy alcoholic sluts WHO WORK OUT. yeah us.
I am really looking forward to Fall Break. I am happy here and not too homesick. But I just know that when I get home it's going to feel great. To be in my room with my family and with my HOME. It'll be nice. But till then I am just enjoying 'Bradley-ness'. And I really *am* enjoying it. Me and my roommate get along great, I love my floormates they crack me up, I love my dorm room and I love how similar me and Jamie are even though we are so different, and I love hanging out with the Delts, and I love having projects, and I love being in KD, and I love dorm life and procrastination, and I love having glitter nick, and I love having fun plans for the weekend, and I love having a secret about next Thursday, and I love feeling accomplished after working out here, and I love calling Adam and Chad idiots, and I love a lot of random things about Bradley.
And i love that I finally figured something out. I figured out that no matter what, with perhaps a few exeptions ... this Christmas Break and then the summer are going to be awesome. Because I am gonna get to hang out with all of you guys again. And we'll get to hang out and have random adventures, and tell random stories about our college days, and hang out in people's basements again and have GIRLZ MOVIE NIGHTS!!! And it will be kick ass. I know that it is far away, but it's nice that i know that it is coming.
Some things make me a little sick, but I just choose to ignore them. It's really the only thing TO do.
Hmmmm what else can I randomize about. Oh yeah, Little Black Backpack is a kick ass song! And once again let me reiterate that you should all visit me cuz i love you. And yeah, that's about it for now. Love to you all!!!
Sunday, September 19, 2004
So two more thoughts that I decided to blog about ...
It really stinks when things change with people without your realizing it or expecting it. There are certain friendships I felt for certain wouldn't really change this year, but that have. I mean, they haven't changed, but this version just isn't as fulfilling as the version at home. I know things will be the same when I see these people or person or whatever at breaks. But until then the only thing I can do is not even think about this person because it makes me unhappy whenever I do. I was never much of one to expect much out of these people, or out of anyone for that matter, but for some reason I am being studid about this issue oh well.
Speaking of being stupid about things ... I have officially given up on boys for anything more than fooling around with. For some reason on the bus ride home today I was being philosophical or reflective. I was thinking about all the realationship that I see around me and how much I used to want to be a part of one of those. And the two chances that have come to me so far have been all wrong. They weren't with people that I could have seen myself dating. And in fact, although it seems like I've been living a little bit of a different lifestyle since I've been here, I really haven't found a guy that I really like. the kind that creates those butterflys in your stomache you know? In fact I haven't felt like that since ... well since a guy at Fenwick. And any guy that I've gotten those butterflys for has either screwed me over or not returned the feelings at all at any point. And part of me wants a boyfriend but I don't want to just settle for some guy who wants a girlfriend. I want to like him. Makes sense doesn't it? But the thing is that I have given up on finding that guy. I know i'm young to be jaded. But I've done the one night hook up things and they are fun but they don't lead to relationships, and any guys I've really really liked have only hurt me in the long run. I'm through with them because I am never going to find that one guy. Congratulations to those that have, but I really don't think that I ever will. I either get screwed over or screw guys over myself. Well I'm done, gotta go do homework
It really stinks when things change with people without your realizing it or expecting it. There are certain friendships I felt for certain wouldn't really change this year, but that have. I mean, they haven't changed, but this version just isn't as fulfilling as the version at home. I know things will be the same when I see these people or person or whatever at breaks. But until then the only thing I can do is not even think about this person because it makes me unhappy whenever I do. I was never much of one to expect much out of these people, or out of anyone for that matter, but for some reason I am being studid about this issue oh well.
Speaking of being stupid about things ... I have officially given up on boys for anything more than fooling around with. For some reason on the bus ride home today I was being philosophical or reflective. I was thinking about all the realationship that I see around me and how much I used to want to be a part of one of those. And the two chances that have come to me so far have been all wrong. They weren't with people that I could have seen myself dating. And in fact, although it seems like I've been living a little bit of a different lifestyle since I've been here, I really haven't found a guy that I really like. the kind that creates those butterflys in your stomache you know? In fact I haven't felt like that since ... well since a guy at Fenwick. And any guy that I've gotten those butterflys for has either screwed me over or not returned the feelings at all at any point. And part of me wants a boyfriend but I don't want to just settle for some guy who wants a girlfriend. I want to like him. Makes sense doesn't it? But the thing is that I have given up on finding that guy. I know i'm young to be jaded. But I've done the one night hook up things and they are fun but they don't lead to relationships, and any guys I've really really liked have only hurt me in the long run. I'm through with them because I am never going to find that one guy. Congratulations to those that have, but I really don't think that I ever will. I either get screwed over or screw guys over myself. Well I'm done, gotta go do homework
Wow. So it has definitely been a while since I have blogged ... Where to begin?
I am back from my weekend at U of I :)! It's so weird how a place that isn't the place I have lived in for the past 18 years can feel like home! Bradley really does feel like home, and that is such a weird feeling. But it's good to be back. but this weekend did kick major ass. I got to see HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND!!! Something that is exremely lacking in my life here at Bradley (which is why you should come visit me) I saw Caryn, Phine, Stan, Nick, and Annie. And Yes, we stalked Stan down. It was great. I also saw *random* fenwick people, specifically Kevin Altier and Jill Grezluski. IT was so odd. That doesn't happen here in Peoria. It was like a Fenwick zoo! the weekend was awesome and it felt good to be with good friend again. And as I prepared to come home today I realized that I felt like I was coming home place wise, but not really people wise. People-wise my home is scattered all over the country, and that is a weird feeling. I saw the movie Garden State this weekend at U of I, GOOD MOVIE. Started out a little weird but it turned out really great. Natalie Portman is so adorable. Anyways, they were talking about going home, and getting back to the 'good times'. Back to home. And I realized that I can't go home anymore. I mean, this summer I can. But until then my 'home' is scattered all over a little bit at U of I, a little at ISU and Wesleyan, a little back home, a little in Cali, a little in the Holy corn fields of Indiana, some in New ORleans and a lot of it in Good ol' Omaha. It's weird to think about it like that but I did last night.
Kairos got back this week. I'm glad most people enjoyed it. I'm also kinda glad that I am finally distanced from it a little. Kairos is great. But not when it stretches out in people's minds for way too long and people forget what it is really about. It was what it was and now it's over. I hope that this years class enjoys it while they can, and forget about it when they need to.
My weekends are filling up so quickly! I think that the time until Thanksgiving Break might actually go by pretty quick. But that also means that it's going to be harder to get stuff squeezed in like visits to see people and having people come see me. I hope I get to see more people soon. After this weekend I am addicted ;) Plus i did not get my promised Georgia and Maggie visits :( So I had better see them sooN!
Caryn took me shopping this weekend. Like to a real mall ... it was amazing *tear* I *bought* things ... at a *mall*... It was awesome.
This weekend did kind of a weird thing. It got me super reminicent for my clique from back home. How so you may ask, since none of them were AT UofI. Well ... First Chris texted me say he was at Fenwick for a "thing" and I got all remincicy and wished I was there since more than likely Marty and Walters were there with him. And then I saw the Ragamuffin Cafe which reminded me of Johanna and Chris. Don't ask lol. Then I saw the IHOP me and Muffy ate the Pregnant Omlette and pancakes with a spoon. And I talked to Chris online last night and probably sounded really bitchy, but oh well. I just hate that I don't get to hang out with them anytime. This weekend I realized that I really really miss it. Like alot. And I wish Chris would at least humor me instead of being a jerk. Oh well ... Just me being stupid. I hope that when I got back from Fall Break we can hang out and it will be like normal.
Movie Night was great fun. Thursday night wasn;t AS much fun but I got a Gay friend out of it! I've seriously always wanted one!!!! So yay for that!
And now I have to unpack all my junk from the weekend and do major homework and go to a KD set meeting and then do more homework .... why is it Sunday??!?!?
I am back from my weekend at U of I :)! It's so weird how a place that isn't the place I have lived in for the past 18 years can feel like home! Bradley really does feel like home, and that is such a weird feeling. But it's good to be back. but this weekend did kick major ass. I got to see HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND!!! Something that is exremely lacking in my life here at Bradley (which is why you should come visit me) I saw Caryn, Phine, Stan, Nick, and Annie. And Yes, we stalked Stan down. It was great. I also saw *random* fenwick people, specifically Kevin Altier and Jill Grezluski. IT was so odd. That doesn't happen here in Peoria. It was like a Fenwick zoo! the weekend was awesome and it felt good to be with good friend again. And as I prepared to come home today I realized that I felt like I was coming home place wise, but not really people wise. People-wise my home is scattered all over the country, and that is a weird feeling. I saw the movie Garden State this weekend at U of I, GOOD MOVIE. Started out a little weird but it turned out really great. Natalie Portman is so adorable. Anyways, they were talking about going home, and getting back to the 'good times'. Back to home. And I realized that I can't go home anymore. I mean, this summer I can. But until then my 'home' is scattered all over a little bit at U of I, a little at ISU and Wesleyan, a little back home, a little in Cali, a little in the Holy corn fields of Indiana, some in New ORleans and a lot of it in Good ol' Omaha. It's weird to think about it like that but I did last night.
Kairos got back this week. I'm glad most people enjoyed it. I'm also kinda glad that I am finally distanced from it a little. Kairos is great. But not when it stretches out in people's minds for way too long and people forget what it is really about. It was what it was and now it's over. I hope that this years class enjoys it while they can, and forget about it when they need to.
My weekends are filling up so quickly! I think that the time until Thanksgiving Break might actually go by pretty quick. But that also means that it's going to be harder to get stuff squeezed in like visits to see people and having people come see me. I hope I get to see more people soon. After this weekend I am addicted ;) Plus i did not get my promised Georgia and Maggie visits :( So I had better see them sooN!
Caryn took me shopping this weekend. Like to a real mall ... it was amazing *tear* I *bought* things ... at a *mall*... It was awesome.
This weekend did kind of a weird thing. It got me super reminicent for my clique from back home. How so you may ask, since none of them were AT UofI. Well ... First Chris texted me say he was at Fenwick for a "thing" and I got all remincicy and wished I was there since more than likely Marty and Walters were there with him. And then I saw the Ragamuffin Cafe which reminded me of Johanna and Chris. Don't ask lol. Then I saw the IHOP me and Muffy ate the Pregnant Omlette and pancakes with a spoon. And I talked to Chris online last night and probably sounded really bitchy, but oh well. I just hate that I don't get to hang out with them anytime. This weekend I realized that I really really miss it. Like alot. And I wish Chris would at least humor me instead of being a jerk. Oh well ... Just me being stupid. I hope that when I got back from Fall Break we can hang out and it will be like normal.
Movie Night was great fun. Thursday night wasn;t AS much fun but I got a Gay friend out of it! I've seriously always wanted one!!!! So yay for that!
And now I have to unpack all my junk from the weekend and do major homework and go to a KD set meeting and then do more homework .... why is it Sunday??!?!?
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Hey all. Well, I am going through the nighly ritual of sitting at my computer, thinking about all the studying i SHOULD be doing, and eating. Me and my roommate have perfected this ritual. So yeah ... what a better time to blog?
Woot! *yeah* Packers, thanks Ozga ;)
Tomorrow is going to rock because Jamie and I are having a drunken movie night and it is going to be fun times. An intimate gathering of us, T-Ho, Katie, Sarah, Marissa, and Adam. Good people, good movie, good drinks. It can't get better.
Oh but wait .... it CAN!!! Because then Thursday me and jamie are going to rock the socks off of Thirsty Thusday. I mean, I'm gonna be gone all weekend, I need a going away party don't I??? lol. So Thursday we are gonna break out the sparkling grape juice, go out and party, get trashed and leave a new outgoing message for our dorm phone answering machine.
And you would think that after such awesome roomie bonding the weekend couldn't top it? Oh but there is NO DOUBT that it can!!! Because not only am I visiting Caryn and Phine at UofI ... but Georgia and Maggie are visiting UofI too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even believe it. This weekend is going to be the awesomest of all weekends!!!!! And Maggie and I are going to be reunited and have a great Saturay night, I can feel it. But who even cares about partying because I am going to get to see all of my Fenwick friends in one HUGE dose and I can't even wait I am so excited for it. I don't even care if all we do is sit around in Caryn's dorm room. That would be enough for me. With these people I could be staring at a wall and havea DAMN good time (the random commentary would be awesome alone)
So right now I am super excited for Wedneday, Thursday, Friday, AND Saturday. I am positively the luckiest girl ever!!!!!
Adam is such a stupid boy. Like, he just is. But oh well.
I saw Adam #2 in the cafeteria today. yeah .... I really am banking on him not remembering who I am.
Marissa keeps seeing Creepy Ralph around! I hope to God I don't run into him
Chris is doing wrestling at Wheaton ... come on .... laugh with me ...
*Speaking of Chris is still stupid. But whatever. I know he doesn't miss me, and that's fine. But he could at least pretend. I still wanna see him. Oh well.
My roommate and I are fat, lazy, alcoholic, sluts. That's too bad ... We're just gonna have to learn to embrace it . Okay no but seriously, all I do at night is go online, reorganize shit on my desk, and then roll over to my food drawer and roll back to my desk ... SENESE STYLE!!!! I am scaring myself.
THIS WEEKEND IS GOING TO FUCKING ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woot! *yeah* Packers, thanks Ozga ;)
Tomorrow is going to rock because Jamie and I are having a drunken movie night and it is going to be fun times. An intimate gathering of us, T-Ho, Katie, Sarah, Marissa, and Adam. Good people, good movie, good drinks. It can't get better.
Oh but wait .... it CAN!!! Because then Thursday me and jamie are going to rock the socks off of Thirsty Thusday. I mean, I'm gonna be gone all weekend, I need a going away party don't I??? lol. So Thursday we are gonna break out the sparkling grape juice, go out and party, get trashed and leave a new outgoing message for our dorm phone answering machine.
And you would think that after such awesome roomie bonding the weekend couldn't top it? Oh but there is NO DOUBT that it can!!! Because not only am I visiting Caryn and Phine at UofI ... but Georgia and Maggie are visiting UofI too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even believe it. This weekend is going to be the awesomest of all weekends!!!!! And Maggie and I are going to be reunited and have a great Saturay night, I can feel it. But who even cares about partying because I am going to get to see all of my Fenwick friends in one HUGE dose and I can't even wait I am so excited for it. I don't even care if all we do is sit around in Caryn's dorm room. That would be enough for me. With these people I could be staring at a wall and havea DAMN good time (the random commentary would be awesome alone)
So right now I am super excited for Wedneday, Thursday, Friday, AND Saturday. I am positively the luckiest girl ever!!!!!
Adam is such a stupid boy. Like, he just is. But oh well.
I saw Adam #2 in the cafeteria today. yeah .... I really am banking on him not remembering who I am.
Marissa keeps seeing Creepy Ralph around! I hope to God I don't run into him
Chris is doing wrestling at Wheaton ... come on .... laugh with me ...
*Speaking of Chris is still stupid. But whatever. I know he doesn't miss me, and that's fine. But he could at least pretend. I still wanna see him. Oh well.
My roommate and I are fat, lazy, alcoholic, sluts. That's too bad ... We're just gonna have to learn to embrace it . Okay no but seriously, all I do at night is go online, reorganize shit on my desk, and then roll over to my food drawer and roll back to my desk ... SENESE STYLE!!!! I am scaring myself.
THIS WEEKEND IS GOING TO FUCKING ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, September 13, 2004
Things are settling down here. I'm growing into this new person that I am. I've realized (with all of your help) that I don't *have* to be exactly who I was in high school. I mean, what would be the point of that anyways? The whole point of college is to grow and to experience new things. Maybe there is such thing as too much of a new thing ... but we'll just have to see about that. My roommate must just be a bad influence on me, (Jamie you're turning me into a raging slut damnit!!!lol) But seriously, I am having fun, and I don't think that I am doing anything too horrible. So I'm just going to enjoy my life down here. That said .... I did end up breaking up with Eric. It was just something I needed to do. This isn't the point in my life for a boyfriend. And when I do have a boyfriend I want it to be because I really like the person, not because they want to go out with me and I don't see why not. So I'm just going to have fun until I find someone that I could see myself chilling with long term. I kinda see that in Adam but he is the stupidest boy i've ever met. And I've met some really stupid boys!
The shit list and the sweet list were born the other day .... Let me tell you all a little story ....
The title of this story is Creepy Ralph. Creepy Ralph was a Saturday night mistake. And the next day me, Jamie (the roommate) and him went to subway and hung out in his dorm for a total of maybe 7 minutes. It was creepy and weird to an extreme!!! He is just CREEPY!!! I wish I could explain it better, but it just is. So anyways me and Jamie went home laughing about how creepy that was and laughing at my poor drunken judgement. But whatever, no harm no foul. It could have been worse. But THEN ....
We got home and we fond out that the moment we left his room he started talking to T-Ho, (his friend and a really good friend of Jamie's) saying that "that jamie girl and her roommate are raging sluts" Now okay, decisions have been made, and things have been done by both of us that are a litttle sketchy. But how DARE that creep judge us without knowing us!!!! Not only that but he totally wants to chill with us and was practically begging to chill with us this weekend. All he wants is a piece of ass and then he goes bad mouthing us. First of all he wouldn't get anything more out of me because he is CREEPY!!! And second of all I might be a 'raging slut' but even I wouldn't give him the time of day again. He's been on ignore from me and Jamie ever since. He's not even worth it ...
So the Shit list includes (so far) CREEPY RALPH and BASTARD JEREMY
And the sweet list includes T-Ho and Adam
On a side note I love my roommate! We are getting along great! I lucked out!
I am SUPER SUPER SUPER excited to be visiting U of I this weekend. I miss Fenwick friends!!! Like a lot! I get to see Caryn and Phine! And I think we are even going to make it a mission to hunt down Stan and see him :)!!!! w00t! I can't wait!!!!
I bought the Kenny Chesney Cd the other day. Yay Country I was beginning to really miss it.
I found out that there is a 4th Friar here on the BRadley campus. I thought that it was juts me, susie, and adam. But apparently there is a junior named Kelly. And not only that but she is in my sorority! How crazy is that? AND she lives in my building on the 4th floor!
ATTENTION: if you are reading this you muts come visit me! Pick a weekend. It will rock. I miss you and want to see you and I promise we will have a blast! COME VISIT ME!
Chris is a douche. (see below convo)
friarsoundboy: hows wherever you are
FoPoBlonde102: it's good
FoPoBlonde102: i mis syou guys
friarsoundboy: why
friarsoundboy: i don't miss you
FoPoBlonde102: i hat eyou
friarsoundboy: ok
friarsoundboy: why would you miss me even if i'm just included in the general clique
FoPoBlonde102: wait are you serious
friarsoundboy: about what
FoPoBlonde102: about why i would missyou
FoPoBlonde102: of COURSE i miss you
friarsoundboy: it's pointless
friarsoundboy: don't waste any energy on that
FoPoBlonde102: im not exactly laying in bed mourning your not being here
friarsoundboy: even if it is a momentary thought, it is useless, pointless, and you should not bother with it
Grrrrr................................
Hmm what else can I randomly update ya'll on? ... My printer still doesn't work .I bet it'd malfuncitoning and I'm gonna have to return it ... Why can't my dad just be here to take care of that?
I feel bad that I am so removed from my family. My brother called me today to tell me that the Packers were playing. And the was like okay bye. We didn't even talk about anything else. I'm sure there is day to day drama in the house and I don't have to deal with it. But I almost want to. *sigh*
Going home October 9th will be really really cool. Plus, I have a lot of random stuff to bring home that I totally realized I don't need here.
Sorority Life is going cool. I am meeting a lot of awesome girls. I am spending way too much money at the University store buying KD merchandise. But mainly I am just having fun. Our first Date Party is October 15th ...I thought I escaped that crap in high schoo. But I am actually excited about having date parties and semi formals and formals. For Blaze (the oct 15th date party) I will hopefully find some delt to go with or something ( adam??) but if not one of you guys is gonnna come visit me that day! !! hehehehe ...
Okay so that is it for now.
Damnit I really need to start being serious abotu school work here ....
The shit list and the sweet list were born the other day .... Let me tell you all a little story ....
The title of this story is Creepy Ralph. Creepy Ralph was a Saturday night mistake. And the next day me, Jamie (the roommate) and him went to subway and hung out in his dorm for a total of maybe 7 minutes. It was creepy and weird to an extreme!!! He is just CREEPY!!! I wish I could explain it better, but it just is. So anyways me and Jamie went home laughing about how creepy that was and laughing at my poor drunken judgement. But whatever, no harm no foul. It could have been worse. But THEN ....
We got home and we fond out that the moment we left his room he started talking to T-Ho, (his friend and a really good friend of Jamie's) saying that "that jamie girl and her roommate are raging sluts" Now okay, decisions have been made, and things have been done by both of us that are a litttle sketchy. But how DARE that creep judge us without knowing us!!!! Not only that but he totally wants to chill with us and was practically begging to chill with us this weekend. All he wants is a piece of ass and then he goes bad mouthing us. First of all he wouldn't get anything more out of me because he is CREEPY!!! And second of all I might be a 'raging slut' but even I wouldn't give him the time of day again. He's been on ignore from me and Jamie ever since. He's not even worth it ...
So the Shit list includes (so far) CREEPY RALPH and BASTARD JEREMY
And the sweet list includes T-Ho and Adam
On a side note I love my roommate! We are getting along great! I lucked out!
I am SUPER SUPER SUPER excited to be visiting U of I this weekend. I miss Fenwick friends!!! Like a lot! I get to see Caryn and Phine! And I think we are even going to make it a mission to hunt down Stan and see him :)!!!! w00t! I can't wait!!!!
I bought the Kenny Chesney Cd the other day. Yay Country I was beginning to really miss it.
I found out that there is a 4th Friar here on the BRadley campus. I thought that it was juts me, susie, and adam. But apparently there is a junior named Kelly. And not only that but she is in my sorority! How crazy is that? AND she lives in my building on the 4th floor!
ATTENTION: if you are reading this you muts come visit me! Pick a weekend. It will rock. I miss you and want to see you and I promise we will have a blast! COME VISIT ME!
Chris is a douche. (see below convo)
friarsoundboy: hows wherever you are
FoPoBlonde102: it's good
FoPoBlonde102: i mis syou guys
friarsoundboy: why
friarsoundboy: i don't miss you
FoPoBlonde102: i hat eyou
friarsoundboy: ok
friarsoundboy: why would you miss me even if i'm just included in the general clique
FoPoBlonde102: wait are you serious
friarsoundboy: about what
FoPoBlonde102: about why i would missyou
FoPoBlonde102: of COURSE i miss you
friarsoundboy: it's pointless
friarsoundboy: don't waste any energy on that
FoPoBlonde102: im not exactly laying in bed mourning your not being here
friarsoundboy: even if it is a momentary thought, it is useless, pointless, and you should not bother with it
Grrrrr................................
Hmm what else can I randomly update ya'll on? ... My printer still doesn't work .I bet it'd malfuncitoning and I'm gonna have to return it ... Why can't my dad just be here to take care of that?
I feel bad that I am so removed from my family. My brother called me today to tell me that the Packers were playing. And the was like okay bye. We didn't even talk about anything else. I'm sure there is day to day drama in the house and I don't have to deal with it. But I almost want to. *sigh*
Going home October 9th will be really really cool. Plus, I have a lot of random stuff to bring home that I totally realized I don't need here.
Sorority Life is going cool. I am meeting a lot of awesome girls. I am spending way too much money at the University store buying KD merchandise. But mainly I am just having fun. Our first Date Party is October 15th ...I thought I escaped that crap in high schoo. But I am actually excited about having date parties and semi formals and formals. For Blaze (the oct 15th date party) I will hopefully find some delt to go with or something ( adam??) but if not one of you guys is gonnna come visit me that day! !! hehehehe ...
Okay so that is it for now.
Damnit I really need to start being serious abotu school work here ....
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'
Tired of livin' like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feelin
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
yet, yet, yet, no no
It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
It must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you
and this is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet, yet, yet, no no
Never made is as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet,yet, yet, no no
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'
Tired of livin' like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feelin
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
yet, yet, yet, no no
It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
It must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you
and this is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet, yet, yet, no no
Never made is as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet,yet, yet, no no
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Thank you everyone. Especially Ozga, somehow you always have just the right something that I need to hear. I'm doing a lot of living and learning here at college. More than I thought that I would for sure. Thank you for everyone who has given me advice or just kind words. It helps, it really does. Once I talk to Eric (the boyfriend) I will feel better. Not only is a drunken hook up a HORRIBLE basis for a relationship, I'm still searching who I am going to be at this point in my life. And I can't do that with a boyfriend. I think I finally know how I can find a balance in my life. I just know I have to live for me, change for me, and be me for me. And I'm gonna do that ...
I'M VISITING U OF I NEXT WEEKEND I'M VISITING U OF I NEXT WEEKEND I'M VISITING U OF I NEXT WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS I miss Blackfriars. I've talked to both Joe Edmonds and Little Marquardt in the past 2 days. I love my bfgers and I cant wait to come see the play!!!
Thanks again to all of you guys. I love you all!!!!!!!
I'M VISITING U OF I NEXT WEEKEND I'M VISITING U OF I NEXT WEEKEND I'M VISITING U OF I NEXT WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS I miss Blackfriars. I've talked to both Joe Edmonds and Little Marquardt in the past 2 days. I love my bfgers and I cant wait to come see the play!!!
Thanks again to all of you guys. I love you all!!!!!!!
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Remember when I used to be a good person? Remember when I wasn't forced to think so hard about who I am and who I want to be? I do. And I don't know how to get back to before. And once again I find myself singing that lyrics to myself ... "And I just don't know how to get it back to good" ... I've been hearing so much that I have changed. That ever since London I have been going downhill. That I liked you before. I don't know this person any more. Why can't you be how you used to be? And why can't I? I don't FEEL different. But I know I must be, because the person that I was before would never have to ask myself the questions I am asking now, and wondering the things that I am wondering. I know I have to make a concious decision to change, I just don't know HOW to go about it. Life used to be must more uncomplicated. It was OTHER people who were in the wrong. It was OTHER people who had their morals out of whack. It was OTHER people who had problems. I didn't make those kind of mistakes, I didn't lead that kind of life. But somewhere along the line I got off the track. I can't pin point exactly where, but I know that it happened. I thought maybe I just needed to see people from back home. But I went to lunch with Susie (which DID make me feel better!!!) and saw Mary Rehor for a little while last night ... but it didn't magically fix things. IT was supposed to! But I guess that's just not enough anymore. I can't just be reminded of home, and of the person that I was slash am with you guys from home. I need to BE that person. But how do I do that? I don't have a button to push that switches from "New Mary" to "Old Mary" It's just not that simple. But man how I wish it was. I am dealing with so much right now, and i can't even put a finger on what it is!!! But I guess thinking about it and writing all of this right now is a beginning ...
Friday, September 10, 2004
Thank You. I hate that I feel like I am dissapointing all my friend back home. I know you all still love me, I just feel that I'm changing, and I don't know why. I liked who I was before. And I know it's not too late. And I plan on calling a time out and starting over. I don't like who I've been acting like these past few weeks. Well actually, just this past week. You'd think I would have learned my lesson back in September but then here I go the second week of school repeating relationship mistakes I made before (blake style) Not only that but I am making the same friendship mistakes that I made this summer. I thought I learned the lesson. But I guess I needed a reinforcement. I need to reprioritize. And I really really really appreciate being to talk to all of you back home. Honestly part of me just wants to be home with you guys. It would be like a big bandaid. A bandaid I really really need. But the phone calls and ims and texts and whatnot accomplish the same thing. I am going out tonight with some KD girls and my fave floor sister ever. But I'm not going to drink. I know that people love me without alcohol. For some reason I just don't feel like myself without all of you guys. But I want to be myself out here and let all these new people meet that side of me. I'm going to try to do that. Thanks again guys. You all rock. And you're always there for me when I need it :)
I officially CANNOT wait until Mary Rehor visits me one weekend soon, and for my UofI trip next weekend, and Caryn visiting me for my bday weekend and Johanna visiting me over her fall break and Georgia visiting these mighty cool cornfields and seeing Maggie again and coming home for the play. that's a lot of stuff to wait for!
I officially CANNOT wait until Mary Rehor visits me one weekend soon, and for my UofI trip next weekend, and Caryn visiting me for my bday weekend and Johanna visiting me over her fall break and Georgia visiting these mighty cool cornfields and seeing Maggie again and coming home for the play. that's a lot of stuff to wait for!
Right now is when I miss all of you back home the most. I wish that I could just call one of you up and have you run down to my room to give me a huge hug. It wouldn't fix things, but I have a feeling it would be just what I need. Somehow I always manage to fuck things up. Jen is mad at me, why? I really am not sure. My boyfriend SHOULD be mad at me. I am not at a stage in my life where I can have a boyfriend. It's just not right for me. But how do I tell him what I did and what I want without him hurting himself? Why am I in this position? Why are my priorities COMPLETELY screwed up? Why can't I just be who I was before. I didn't think I was happy but I WAS. Now I know how shitty it feels to do this to someone. I told myself I would never ever be that person. I wouldn't sink to his level, no matter what I could control myself in that situation. God damn it please just be able to come over guys? I miss you all back home, and I feel like even my really good friends here don't really know me. They know who I have been these past few weeks, but they don't know me. They don't know the girl that I was in high school or even over the summer. I wish they did, but they just don't. Only you guys know her. Except now you don't know me now. Well, no I mean ... you KNOW me. But you don't know what Ive become down here. I;ve become a person that I detest. And I really need to fix it. I can't stay like this, I need to put myself in check. i'm sorry, this all made really no sense and you all probably are jumping to conclusions (maybe right maybe wrong) and think that I am a horrible person now, but please don't judge me, I just need understanding and people who know and love me anyways. I love you guys and miss yoU! I hope you are all making wiser decisions than me at your respective colleges! I'll explain all of this later perhaps, thanks for reading
Monday, September 06, 2004
Thursday, September 02, 2004
You know what's weird? High school is over. Like, there isn't any more. We are done. This is weird. Yes, I realize this should have hit me at graduation or over the summer. But nope. It just hit me now. Like, I am not going to be in another Blackfriars production. Our class is through going on Kairos. There are no more Fenwick dances to think about. No more sitting in that cafeteria in the morning. No more sitting around student services as a *student*. Next time I visit Fenwick I will be a visitor. An alumni. My high school experience is over. No more high school crushes (now it's just college crushes, granted it is the same old cycle lol). No more passing notes in the hallway. No more wearing a uniform
What????
I didn't appreciate it enough when I was there. Actually, maybe I did appreciate it, but that doesn't change the fact that it is gone. I can't wait till I see some familiar Fenwick faces and get to reminice about it all. I know that it isn't the end of the world. It will just make seeing my fenwick friends that much more treasurable. But it's just a new phase and it's weird. But Johanna said that she is going to come and visit me so now I am super happy even though it won't be till like October. I can't wait!!!
I really really really really really do love Bradley and I am having a verifiable BLAST! I am really excited about joining a sorority here. Who woulda thought that I would be sorority girl? But I am almost positive that I am going to be! And I am so lucky because everyone on my floor is amazing. And I even have a psuedo fenwick connection with KC's friend Mel! And i have found Jen already, who I really click with. And even if this boy thing doesn't work out, I at least have found people who like me and seen there is hope in the male race here, even if it is very small. But I wish I could be living both lives simultaneously. Here and there. New friends and old.
I seriously just had like a memory fest. Cuz fist I was getting all sentimental with Johanna (and omg last fall totally did NOT happen, that isn't possible! lol) And then Melissa came in and looked at pics of Kc and I saw pics of little KC and it was so weird cuz Mel knew like Sarah and Christina and Julianne (in fact it turns out she was at julianes holloween party this year), and Ozga and stan and brian and trish. And yeah, just weird. And all the drama and experience and memories. It's ALL in the past tense now. It's weird weird weird. I just need to try live the moment at Bradley or I might get to sad thinking back over it all. Overall I am in a happy mood ... just a memory filled one. I miss all you guys and I cant wait till I see each of you again. I know that I will I am just impatient like that ( i need instant gratification lol Johanna) So yeah ... I really rally hope I make it to u of i next weekend one way or another.
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you get bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too
Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down.
What????
I didn't appreciate it enough when I was there. Actually, maybe I did appreciate it, but that doesn't change the fact that it is gone. I can't wait till I see some familiar Fenwick faces and get to reminice about it all. I know that it isn't the end of the world. It will just make seeing my fenwick friends that much more treasurable. But it's just a new phase and it's weird. But Johanna said that she is going to come and visit me so now I am super happy even though it won't be till like October. I can't wait!!!
I really really really really really do love Bradley and I am having a verifiable BLAST! I am really excited about joining a sorority here. Who woulda thought that I would be sorority girl? But I am almost positive that I am going to be! And I am so lucky because everyone on my floor is amazing. And I even have a psuedo fenwick connection with KC's friend Mel! And i have found Jen already, who I really click with. And even if this boy thing doesn't work out, I at least have found people who like me and seen there is hope in the male race here, even if it is very small. But I wish I could be living both lives simultaneously. Here and there. New friends and old.
I seriously just had like a memory fest. Cuz fist I was getting all sentimental with Johanna (and omg last fall totally did NOT happen, that isn't possible! lol) And then Melissa came in and looked at pics of Kc and I saw pics of little KC and it was so weird cuz Mel knew like Sarah and Christina and Julianne (in fact it turns out she was at julianes holloween party this year), and Ozga and stan and brian and trish. And yeah, just weird. And all the drama and experience and memories. It's ALL in the past tense now. It's weird weird weird. I just need to try live the moment at Bradley or I might get to sad thinking back over it all. Overall I am in a happy mood ... just a memory filled one. I miss all you guys and I cant wait till I see each of you again. I know that I will I am just impatient like that ( i need instant gratification lol Johanna) So yeah ... I really rally hope I make it to u of i next weekend one way or another.
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you get bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too
Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Well. I have time to kill before my next class and if I look at any more reading I think I will explode!!! So I'm going to spend time here on the good old blog talking about random things on my mind none of you will care about (just like back home lol)
Man today is seriously off to a frustrating start. American Government is going to drive me nuts!!! First of all, it is a come only when you want to take the test, learn the info on your own type situation. And that is just not for me at ALL! I can't deal with that kind of situation. So I finally made it to class today to take the Unit one test and guess what? I didn't pass!!! TWICE!!! It is only a 9 multiple choice test and one short answer esssay. And it isn't that I don't know the chapter. I KNOW the stuff. It's juts nitpicky, tricky questions! GRR so i now I have to go back Friday and try it again for the THIRD time!! and what if I still don't pass?!? I think I'll cry!!! I hate this class!!! Just lecture me please!!!
So then I went to com 103, my speech class and had a pop quiz!!!! Now, I knew the stuff and I think I did fine. But still! My first pop quiz UGH! And i have a topic due Friday for my narrative speech and I am sooo bad at thinking up good ideas for speeches. I'll just have to pray for inspiration to strike.
I can't even try to think about my boy situation right now, because that will just frustrate me more. I give up till he shows more interest.
My mom made a rather biting comment to me on the phone. I lost my Kairos cross and was trying to figure out where it was and she said "well, maybe you lost in when you were drunk". I mean, all together possible I *guess* but for my mom to suggest that??? It was kind of startling to hear. Besides which I don't think that i did. It is around my room SOMEWHERE I just don't know where. But I really want to find it!!!
I can NOT WAIT until Sunday. I miss Susie!!!!
This working out and eating healthy thing is going to take isnane amounts of will power. Come on, self, you can do it!
It is true, Boys do in fact, STILL suck in college. Let the college drama begin ... This observation is not actually from personal experience yet thank god. But friends being hurt is not cool as well.
I got a call from jonathan today :) I wish I had answered my phone, but I got a voicemail. I miss him! I love random connections from home.
I really really really hope that the weekend of the 10th I can made a visit to U of I. Annie, are you up for a visit that weekend? I could do the ISU/Wesleyan to UofI thing maybe? Hopefulyy I won't have meetings for sorority. I need a weekend with Fenwick friends!!!
I really hope Susie can fix my printer, cuz not having one is super annoying.
Mary Rehor had better come visit me soon too!
In fact, EVERYONE should come visit me soon haha
Okay, I htink I'm not randomly rambling now. Cya all later!
(I think I feel better now)
Man today is seriously off to a frustrating start. American Government is going to drive me nuts!!! First of all, it is a come only when you want to take the test, learn the info on your own type situation. And that is just not for me at ALL! I can't deal with that kind of situation. So I finally made it to class today to take the Unit one test and guess what? I didn't pass!!! TWICE!!! It is only a 9 multiple choice test and one short answer esssay. And it isn't that I don't know the chapter. I KNOW the stuff. It's juts nitpicky, tricky questions! GRR so i now I have to go back Friday and try it again for the THIRD time!! and what if I still don't pass?!? I think I'll cry!!! I hate this class!!! Just lecture me please!!!
So then I went to com 103, my speech class and had a pop quiz!!!! Now, I knew the stuff and I think I did fine. But still! My first pop quiz UGH! And i have a topic due Friday for my narrative speech and I am sooo bad at thinking up good ideas for speeches. I'll just have to pray for inspiration to strike.
I can't even try to think about my boy situation right now, because that will just frustrate me more. I give up till he shows more interest.
My mom made a rather biting comment to me on the phone. I lost my Kairos cross and was trying to figure out where it was and she said "well, maybe you lost in when you were drunk". I mean, all together possible I *guess* but for my mom to suggest that??? It was kind of startling to hear. Besides which I don't think that i did. It is around my room SOMEWHERE I just don't know where. But I really want to find it!!!
I can NOT WAIT until Sunday. I miss Susie!!!!
This working out and eating healthy thing is going to take isnane amounts of will power. Come on, self, you can do it!
It is true, Boys do in fact, STILL suck in college. Let the college drama begin ... This observation is not actually from personal experience yet thank god. But friends being hurt is not cool as well.
I got a call from jonathan today :) I wish I had answered my phone, but I got a voicemail. I miss him! I love random connections from home.
I really really really hope that the weekend of the 10th I can made a visit to U of I. Annie, are you up for a visit that weekend? I could do the ISU/Wesleyan to UofI thing maybe? Hopefulyy I won't have meetings for sorority. I need a weekend with Fenwick friends!!!
I really hope Susie can fix my printer, cuz not having one is super annoying.
Mary Rehor had better come visit me soon too!
In fact, EVERYONE should come visit me soon haha
Okay, I htink I'm not randomly rambling now. Cya all later!
(I think I feel better now)
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